Sunday, 13 November 2016

Lies

I am a liar and you all know it. 

I lie about it a lot. About love. I say I don't want it, say I don't need it but I'm just lying to you and to myself. The truth is. Love terrifies me. I have been burnt so many times that the idea of trying again causes me physical pain and illness. I'm not bitter I'm hurt. My heart isn't black it's wounded. I haven't just built up walls, I've built a fortress not just to keep others out but to keep my heart in because that sucker would fall for anything without asking my brain first and I need to protect myself. I don't trust people because so many times I've woken up in the morning to "hey i actually don't love you or want to be with you anymore". So I say that I am happy with just casual hook ups here and there but it's not true, they often make me feel worse. I say that I don't think I am destined to find the one and I actually completely believe that, and I've had semi made peace with it. It is a kind of self fulfilling prophecy where I believe it to be true therefore it will become true. 

So yes I am a liar but please let me live in this lie and don't come at me with ifs and buts and please don't try set me up with your friends. I can't. I won't. It hurts.  

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Fake Feelings


It's been just over a month since I started back on my medication and I am doing so much better. Since around December last year I had felt suicidal almost every day up gradually getting worse and worse until I finally went to the doctor and got back on medication. It is nice not to feel like that anymore. It's really nice. However I had a bit of a moment yesterday. A bit of a moment where that self doubt popped up and I had a bit of a freak out. I thought to myself...
I am feeling good and I am not crying and I don't want to die and that's awesome...but nothing has changed in my life so why don't I feel like that anymore?
 It really kind of bothered me, and then I started to think...
Well, if nothing has changed but I feel okay then it must be the medication so these feelings mustn't be real. This is all fake. 
 Right. 

I posted a little cry for help on facebook. The response blew me away to be honest. A friend called me immediately to talk about what was going on. A bunch of mates commented on the status, I got a stack of messages. It was one of the first times I've had a response like that and it meant to much to me. It made me feel like people actually care and it made me feel so much less alone. If you are reading this and you were one of those people who reached out thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my heart because sometimes all I need is to feel like I exist and you guys all made me feel real that day. I appreciate it so much. 

I went out for coffee after work with a girlfriend and had a really great talk. No beating around the bush, no patronising just an honest conversation about what is going on in my head and it really helped me to get myself back on track. She pointed out something important, right now what I am feeling isn't fake. What I was feeling back then...that was my illness. My depression was why I was crying every night and why I was suicidal. Now I am still sick but I'm taking my medicine, my serotonin supplements as another friend calls them.  

This is real. Feeling okay is real and it's good. I just have to get used to it. 

Carrie xoxo 

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Popping Pills

So I had my GP appointment yesterday. It went okay, I somehow got doctor names mixed up and made an appointment with the wrong doctor (my original GP has moved interstate) but the lady I saw was okay. She asked a few questions, recommended I also think about going back for more therapy and gave me a new script. Back on 10mg of Lexapro to see how I go. 

Once I arrived home I took my first dose. Within an hour or so I was feeling nauseous. Antidepressants take a few weeks to start working properly, quite a few weeks actually and the first couple of weeks can be rough while you adjust to them. Today I have been anxious as fuck. I've got the shakes, I can't stop moving. I'm skipping from job to job. I have the driest mouth on Earth. I have to keep myself busy. 

I really hate taking them. I'm sure that after a while I'll adjust but now because it's so fresh in my mind each time I take one I get that feeling of failure and realise that this is going to be life now. I know it's not a failure. I know I had to do this. i know admitting I need help was hard and I should be proud I did it but ugh right now I just feel shit about it.  

For now, I'm trying to channel all that nervous energy into my work and into writing more. trying not to think bad thoughts or think of people who upset me.

All I need is some more time

Caz xo

Monday, 15 February 2016

Lose the battle to win the war

It was Easter last year when I stopped taking my medication for my depression and anxiety. Things were going well for me, I was happy and was looking forwards, it felt like the right time. I consulted my doctor, I did it slowly and safely. It felt good to be off them, being on unit-depressants was always something that didn't sit well with me. I always felt like a pill shouldn't be the solution, that I should be able to be happy without needing to take medicine.

I went well for a while after coming off my meds, I though I was coping and that I would be okay. It didn't work out that way, I have been slipping. For a long while. I have been in denial about it. I blamed it on other things, made excuses. I am sure everyone who knows me in real life knows that I've been struggling for a long time. I've noticed some of my friends don't bother texting me anymore. I'm probably difficult to be around. I have no motivation to do anything, on weekends sometimes I can't even bring myself to leave my bedroom until 2pm in the afternoon. I feel like I am incapable of love, as much as I try. 

It took yet another meltdown last night and someone telling me quite abruptly that I need to get back on medication for me to stop lying to myself. I've know that I'm not dealing well with life but the idea of going back on medication felt like I had failed. However I figured that I am already miserable and hating life, I've already tried everything else so it's time to bite the bullet.

Tomorrow I'm going to my doctor and i'm going to go back on anti-depressants. I'm putting ego aside. I'm losing this battle in the hopes to eventually win the war. It's my last chance. I just want to feel better. I just have to get through tonight. 

Caz xox

Sunday, 31 January 2016

2015 - The Year Of The Lone Wolf

2015 the year of face decorations and green hair
It's the last day of January and I still haven't written my 2015 wrap up . I have tried a million times already but I have major writers block. I can't get the words to flow, can't get them to sound like I want them to. So this is my last attempt. 

Last year was rough. It was the most alone I have ever been and ever felt in my life. This is not me lamenting about being single. I dated last year. It's not about me saying I have no friends and no support. I have support. I have a great family. However in spite of that I felt like last year I faced the world all alone. It was hard. I felt like and still feel like there is this overwhelming pressure on me. Like I haven't achieved anything worthwhile. It's a constant feeling. I can never relax. I'm a constant ball of stress. 

About now is where you'd expect me to say that all this going it alone helped me to grow and realise what I want out of life. How I'm such a different person than I was at the start of the year. I'm such a strong independent woman. Nope. The past year didn't really teach me anything that I didn't already know about myself. I nailed the last nail in my dating coffin then built up high, impenetrable walls around me. I failed to return 80% of phone calls and text messages sent to me. I started projects and didn't finish them. I tried and tried to find motivation and lust for life. I couldn't find it.

The last third of 2015 was probably the worst for me mentally. I struggled so hard and as much as this will upset some people when they read it, I have to say it. There were a few times when I didn't think I would reach my 30th birthday. So much so that for a good two weeks after my birthday I felt on edge, like I was living on borrowed time. I guess I was exhausted and the end of the year seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel so the struggle to reach it was real. 

New year, same person with the same struggles. I don't really know what's going to happen and that's fine. I know that I'm heading to Europe soon and 8 weeks on another continent where nobody knows my name is going to feel like heaven. For now I am living for that break and I am making a vow. I am going to go and have an amazing time. Then I'm going to come home and walk in my front door, give Bob and Roxy a big cuddle then I am going to sit down and make big life decisions, and I'm going to be selfish and make decisions that are for me and me alone. No more sacrificing my happiness for the sake of other people. No more bullshit. 

This lone wolf is big and bad and I'm not going to waste any more time. 

xo 

(this took me four hours to write - probably 45 minutes of actual typing and the rest procrastinating because this was really hard to write. I swear if a single person reads this and gets offended, kindly punch yourself in the face so I don't have to do it. It's not about you.) 

Family sans Ash

The children

Silks

Pole

Hoops

Hung out with Rabbit

A few of the people who actually bothered to show up to my birthday drinks

Driving with Ash

Wore heaps of booty shorts

Mum got drunk of her birthday

Last day at headspace with Jo

With Ainslie

and with Simone

being an actor! At BREC's showing of The Confidence Man

Made this subtle desk ornament for Jo

Got some tattoos

Enjoyed Halloween

Showcase with the Aerial Family

with Ash at the studio

Roxy in the water

Bob looking in charge

Lunch dates with my Dad

Crying at the most beautiful wedding of two people who could not be more perfect for each other <3 

Tomato sauce days with these two Nonnas

More tattoos

The birth of this little ray of starlight

Getting drunk with the parents

Getting foxy

Showing off my butt some more

Being a wild animal with Mumsy

Rabbit's birthday at the Zoo

Made this dream catcher for my bed

Where the obsession with face decorations began with my favourite lady

Made some castles with this babe

Met this cute chick

Had the best trip to the zoo and met the most chilled meerkats and some hungover koalas

Made this. If you don't love yourself how can you expect anyone else to love you? 

Can't get this bastard to rotate. Any single males over the age of 28 who get this reference feel free to call me ;)