Sunday, 25 July 2010

My three favourite jokes

This post is inspired by Miss Katrina because it's 12.38 at night and I am texting her my favourite jokes.

Joke One

What is long, brown and sticky??

Ok there are two answers to this, if whoever you are telling the joke to decides to be a smartarse and ruin it by saying "err a stick" *coughKATcough* you turn around and say "POO". They'll never expect that.

If by some insane chance they have never heard this joke before and don't take a guess then you say the real answer which is "A STICK"

Joke Two

Why did the boy fall off his bicycle?


BECAUSE SOMEONE THREW A FRIDGE AT HIM!

Joke Three

There are two cows standing in a field. One cow turns to the other cow and says "so...what do you think about this mad cow disease?" and the other cow answers "what are you talking about? I'm a helicopter!"

GET IT? THE COW THINKS HE'S A HELICOPTER! HE IS MAD! MAD COW DISEASE?? HELICOPTER. IT'S FUNNY!

I always find to get the best results with these jokes you need to kind of scream the bits I wrote in caps at the person and then laugh manically. Some people are afraid to laugh on their own so if you start laughing they'll feel more relaxed and will laugh along with you at the hilarity of these amazing jokes. 

Best of luck!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

p.s. what's your favourite joke?

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Exactly what I needed to hear



I have these cards called "The Power of Intention Cards" by Dr Wayne W. Dyer and lately I have been pulling a card out of the deck every now and then for a little inspiration and direction. I just got home from work about ten minutes ago and had a little chat with Stevo then sat down here at the computer, I shuffled the cards thinking about how much today pissed me off and how people irritate me and how I wish every one could just do their job and not be shit about it. Then I pulled out a card.

This is what I got...

Game-Set-Match to you Intention Cards well played!

Lots of LOVE Carrie xoxo xxxx

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Hacked Again

My blog got hacked again oh happy days! As my friend Steven says, maybe I should be flattered that someone thinks my blog is worthy if being spammed but in reality it's actually really annoying and I hate it.

So sorry if any of you clicked the links on that now deleted post but if you did then you probably deserved it for being so stupid to think that I would actually post something like that!! Bahahahahahaha!

Anyway I am annoyed because I STILL haven't been paid my tax return AND my pay from work is late too so I am taking my frustrations out on my revoltingly messy house and am giving it a good old clean. Admit it...you are jealous of how cool and exciting my life is right now ;)

I'll be back on here later to tell you all sorts of less boring housewifey things so hold onto your hats!

Love Caz xoxo xxxx

p.s. if you don't have a hat just hold onto something else

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Things that are giving me the shits right now

I tried twice to write a happy nice post and they both ended up in drafts so here we go, here is my list of what is seriously fucking me off at the moment...

People with shitty work ethics 
I don't know if you've noticed but I don't particularly love my job at the moment but regardless of whether I like it or not, when I am there I still strive to do my fucking job properly and it shits me when other people do not do the same thing. Whether it's not polishing the water glasses properly (hello easiest glass to polish ever) or quitting but not bothering to even tell anyone (chick just stopped showing up to her shifts and wouldn't answer any of our calls, how hard is it to call up or even text and say 'hey I quit'). 

Then there are the people who work two jobs and try to use that as an excuse to be shit at the second job (awww but i've been working alll day at my other job) I don't care. You chose
to have two jobs so you can do this one properly or you can leave.

On the top of my shit list though has to be those staff who come into work hungover as fuck and complain about it all day and do a crappy job. Oh excuse me? You knew you had to work today, nobody was sitting with a shotgun cocked to your head saying drink bitch drink so don't you dare come in and act like your hangover is in anyway comparable to a legitimate illness. Maybe you can try investing in some self restraint and just don't drink so much.

Actually now I think about there is one more thing that shits me more than those things... it's the people in charge who see it happening and don't do a single goddamn thing to stop it or fix it. 

People who drink and drive and think it's cool or clever
I know lot's of people who drink and drive and don't seem to think it's a problem. "Awww but I've only had 5 drinks and I'm not drunk I feel fine" way to be a selfish prick arsehole. You know what, why don't you go tell that story to the family members and friends of people killed on our roads by drunk drivers? I love seeing drunk drivers get pulled over by the police. I love hearing people tell me they got fined, but that doesn't stop them because hey they can waste all their money on booze but spend money on a taxi so they get home safely without killing anyone? Fuck that!

Oh actually if you replace the words 'drink and drive' with the word 'speed' you'll have another thing that shits me. Wow speeding is so cool. Man you are going to get wherever you are going (probably some bogan convention) a whole 5 minutes faster now whoooaaaaa! Watch out for that tree!

Seriously, I hate it, selfish wankers putting my life and the life of everyone else on the road at risk. Fuck you all.

(to anyone who is going to bring up the fact I just got a $300 speeding fine you can shuuutup. It was only because it was a stupid school zone and I didn't realise it and it was like 10 to 9am anyway so there were no school kids out and I wasn't doing it on purpose to be cool, i was just being an idiot who forgot about the dumb school zone. Screw you Eaton! The school isn't even on that road anyway!)

That stupid OMG song by Usher
That song makes me want to pour hot wax in my ears and slit my wrists. Man I hate it. I have never been a huge Usher fan and I never will be. He creeps me out and the fact that he called the song 'OMG' makes it even worse. Terrible terrible terrible

Katy Perry
Ok so I actually liked Katy Perry's first album. There were a few really good songs on it. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I kinda get the vibe that Katy Perry the person is a total bitch and oh my god I hate her 'California Gurls' song. Firstly, that is not how you spell the word 'girls'. Secondly, what is with the auto tune? and thirdly Snoop Dogg. Seriously? Are you serious? Katy you are talented enough without having to go down the stupid cliché 'have some dude rap on your song' route. Secondly...Snoop Dogg? Snoop sold out a looooooooong time ago mate so I don't really know what kind of credibility you are going for here...it's not really working.

Another reason why I dislike Katy Perry, she is friends with Perez Hilton who is a giant fucking douchebag.

Finally, when Lady Gaga premiered her latest clip for her song Alejandro, Katy Perry got on her twitter and said "Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.". Then she released a video clip for 'California Gurls' where in the end she shoots cream from her tits. Hello pot, meet kettle. It is quite rich for Miss Perry to be calling other entertainers 'cheap' when she is spraying Snoop Dogg with titty cream. 

Radio stations (specifically Hot FM) 
There are like lots of songs out there..lots. On my computer I have 4027 songs, and I don't really have that much music. Right you see where I am coming from? So why the fuck is it that radio stations seem to only play the same 5 songs over and over and over and over? Jamiroquai must make a fuckload of money off radio plays; do they get money from getting played on the radio? I don't know...but if so then holy shit Jam must be raking it in because he is the default 90's artist that allll radio stations play all the time. Then the radio station will be all "hey here is a song we haven't played in a while Retttrrrooooo" and they'll play some 80's song like its a special thing when really they play 80's shit all the time. There is no point in making it a special retro thing when you play 80's songs all the time anyway aaaaahhh!!

Stupid radio edits. Ok you know what, if a song has really obvious load swearing in it that needs to be badly edited out then hey, just don't play the damn song. Case in point 'She Hates Me' by Puddle of Mudd. In the normal version the songs says "She fucking hates me" about 88023 times through the song. In the edited version its kind of blurred out, they don't do the beep anymore they kinda blur or silence the swearing but my question is, if swearing is 70% of the lyrics then why bother? Just don't fucking play it?

More stupid radio edits, this one really annoys me. The song 'Lightening Crashes' by Live. For some unknown reason, radio stations never play the whole song. They skip the entire first stanza of the song and it really bothers me because this is an amazing song, why ruin it by editing it? There is nothing crude about it, uh he says placenta is that a dirty word? and the song is only 6 minutes long...and editing it only shaves off about 30 seconds so why bother? Play the whole thing or don't play it at all!

Stupid morning shows and even stupider afternoon shows. Ok I'll give the morning shows a break...mostly because I can just sleep through them but oh man do I hate afternoon shows like The Benchwarmers and Lowie versus America. The Benchwarmers are probably the two least funny people on Earth and they have the maturity of a couple of 12 year olds and Lowie versus America...it just makes no sense why is he in America and why are we meant to care? He barely even hates on America, it should be called "Lowie loves America". Dear Hot FM, why don't you just make your own local afternoon team? Maybe play music from local bands and by local I mean Western Australian unsigned bands? Can we fuck off the stupid hit list with Kyle and Jackie O too? Kyle Sandilands euuugghhh. Man I hate the radio.

ok that's it...
as in that's it for now because I can't think of anything else at the moment and now it is 1.53am so this kid needs to go to sleep.

Night night

Caz xoxo xxxx