Thursday, 17 October 2013

My Nanna




I've been trying to think of the one word to best describe my Nanna, she was a funny lady with all sorts of quirks, but I think the word that best captures her spirit is cheeky. Nanna often had a little grin on her face that made you think that she was perhaps up to no good. She was forever trying to have a sneaky chocolate or lollie when she thought nobody was looking and we have long suspected that her hearing problems were sometimes a little bit selective. She had a cute little laugh and loved to joke around.

Nanna was a huge worry wart, one of her favourite things to scold us about was having our handbags undone, she was always closing my handbag for me, even if it was sitting right next to me and there was nobody around she was always weary a mysterious bad guy would pop out of nowhere and steal my purse. She didn't save her worrying just for the family, out shopping she would often wander off to walk up to a complete stranger to advise them to close their handbag too. Nanna, I promise I will always keep a close eye on my handbag when I am out.

Another aspect of her worrying was her obsession with keeping doors locked and hiding her handbag and important items. Unfortunately though, sometimes she hid things so well that she couldn't remember where she hid them. I think they keys to her windows are still missing after she put them somewhere "safe" and I remember having to cancel all her credit cards one time when she hid her purse so well that she decided someone must have stolen it. Of course after going to the effort of cancelling everything the purse appeared a few days later in her linen closet between some towels.

Jewellery was one of Nanna's biggest loves. It didn't have to be fancy, she loved anything that sparkled, every time I saw Nanna she would grab a hold of my wrist and examine my jewellery, even if she had already seen it a million times. Nanna liked wearing lots of sparkly bracelets and we always got a few in our birthday and christmas presents from her. 

She also loved seeing us girls in pretty dresses. I remember one year when I was in primary school she bought me this blue floral dress for my birthday. It was an awkward length and had a lacy collar, it was truly hideous. When we were younger we didn't see Nanna very much because we lived in Australind and she lived in Wundowie, I think for this reason Mum always really liked it when we wore something that Nanna had bought us and whenever I went out somewhere Mum would suggest I wear the blue dress. Mum didn't know that I hated it of course so I always had a reason to avoid wearing it but one day I gave in. I was going to a friends house for a birthday party and even though I knew my friends would probably tease me, I decided to wear the blue floral dress. It was the one and only time I wore the dress but it made my Mum happy to see me wearing something from Nanna. 

Nanna had diabetes, as a result she wasn't really supposed to eat sweet things. This didn't stop her from buying sweet things  ALL THE TIME. She loved a good iced bun, she always had one at her house and I'd often find some strange sweet cake thing at Mum's house that Nanna had decided to give her because she "couldn't eat it all herself". Nanna liked using the excuse "but I need sweet things for when I have low sugar". She must have had low sugar all the time because her house was a mecca for sweetness, and she had stashes in odd places, I remember trying to find scissors in her kitchen drawers once and coming across a pack of chocolate biscuits. Classic Nanna.

Cat food, Nanna loved buying cat food. For a while there I think she was going to the shop every day saying she needed more cat food. Her cat who's name is Bobby Bow ("pronounced Bobby Bough in a quick strange voice" says Lee) he was named by Lee and Ash but Nanna mainly just called him Puss Cat must have been the best fed cat on Earth,  guaranteed to never miss a meal, because whenever you went to Nanna's house she had a shitload of cat food. At least two full boxes of biscuits and a good 20 cans of wet food. Nanna, Puss Cat lives with me now and I promise you he will always be well fed, well looked after and extremely well loved. 

Ever since I was little I've wanted to play guitar. For some reason my parents never let me get one or have lessons, Nanna was the only one who thought it was a good idea, so I would think she'd be happy to know that I am finally being taught how to play and it's going pretty well so far. I will try learn a country song one day and play it for you Nanna.

Nanna i'm going to miss playing cards with you, I'll miss coming to your house for lunch on Christmas Day, I'll miss the way you always fell asleep on the couch and started snoring, I'll miss eating chinese food with you. I'll miss so many things about you. I hope you are at peace now. I love you.

Carrie xoxo xxxx

Saturday, 8 June 2013

To This Day Project

I want to share this video with you, a friend posted it on Facebook the other day and I reposted it but I know that most people don't watch videos posted on Facebook because most of them are incredibly moronic.

This video however is beautiful, I love it, it should be compulsory viewing for everybody on Earth so please share this around to everyone you know. You can read the poem here. it's by Shane Koyczan. It's amazing.

Enjoy


Friday, 7 June 2013

Brave New World

Bravery isn't about being fearless. Bravery is about being scared, facing that fear and doing whatever it is anyway. Taking those risks, stepping into the unknown, can be the hardest steps you ever take. Is the risk worth the return? More importantly, what are the ramifications of doing nothing? The world is a big place, full of opportunity for those willing to chase it. The only person in control of your destiny is you, and if you are unhappy with your lot then only you can take the steps to fix it. If you dare. Life isn't always easy, it's not always fun, but you fight through those bad times and you learn and you grow and you live on.

Don't be afraid to dream big, don't be afraid to make a stand, don't be afraid to chase your happiness wherever it takes you. Treat others with respect and kindness but don't let anyone else try steer the direction of your life down a road you don't want to go. Love yourself, don't be scared of that, you have to love yourself, don't let yourself be defined by your relationships with other people, you might be a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a mother, a best friend but you are still you and you are beautiful.

I love you, every one of you.

Let's go live

Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Night time bullshit

Night times are the worst, I slow down, I think too much, I get anxious. I try to distract myself, write, watch TV, cook, crochet, video games. Not helping.

Ugghh

Caz

Monday, 27 May 2013

Meat

My name is Carrie and sometimes I feel like nothing more than a piece of fucking meat.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Updates and Strategies

Well last time I wrote I wasn't going so great. I have two counselling sessions since then and I feel less confused, less generally bad but I think I still have a long way to go. Therapy has helped me make a little more sense of everything I am feeling but I still feel lost. Like I have lost my sense of self. So I have started a little exercise to try help me find myself again.

Every day I have been writing down something that I know is true about myself. Something that I know is me and something that has nothing to do with other people. I've only been doing it for a few days but here is what I have got so far...

My name is Carrie and I like cats, but I am pretty sure I am allergic to them.

My name is Carrie and I think plums are great.

My name is Carrie and I fucking love thunder and lightning storms.

That last one was from tonight, I was driving home from hoops and there was a big lightning and thunder storm. The lightning was so bright, it was like daylight again when it flashed. It reminds me of 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' when Charlie talks about feeling infinite. That is what storms make me feel like. 

I get six free counselling sessions through Relationships Australia so I'm going to be going weekly for a while. 

Hope I figure it out soon.

Love Carrie xo




Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Baby I got a plan




I thought about running today, I dropped off my friend Izzy at her house then decided I didn't want to go home so I just drove. Didn't make it far. Turned around at Galway Green.

Psych appointment booked for Thursday.

I'm going to get through this.

Love Carrie xo


Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I am not ok

It's been quite a long time since I have written on here. It's been a long time since I have written anything in general. The truth is that I am not going so great. I am stressed and I am depressed. I feel like I am going through the motions of being alive without actually doing any living. I feel emotionally detached from my body and the people around me. I feel like I am doing everything I can to make other people happy and to live up to everyone elses expectations. I feel like everyone just wants me to get over it "cheer up you'll be right". 

Feelings aren't facts. So I fully expect everyone to say "no Carrie nobody thinks that, nobody has expectations, you are ok, everything is ok" but feelings don't work that way, this is how I feel. 

I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. I can't pinpoint exactly what is happening that is making me unhappy. I feel completely lost. I feel like I am suffocating in the love of the people around me. Which sounds completely selfish and awful. I know everyone just wants to help but what I need is space and time. I don't want to keep busy to take my mind off things, I want to slow down and figure it all out. I'm trying to organise counselling sessions. I'm trying to get back to the things I am passionate about. 

I don't know why I wrote this really. Partly because writing makes me feel better, partly because I want people to know what's going on in my head right now, partly because I'm sick of having to act like everything is rainbows and kittens when it's not. 

I'm not okay, but that's okay. I will get there.

Thanks,

Carrie xo