Tuesday, 30 April 2013

I am not ok

It's been quite a long time since I have written on here. It's been a long time since I have written anything in general. The truth is that I am not going so great. I am stressed and I am depressed. I feel like I am going through the motions of being alive without actually doing any living. I feel emotionally detached from my body and the people around me. I feel like I am doing everything I can to make other people happy and to live up to everyone elses expectations. I feel like everyone just wants me to get over it "cheer up you'll be right". 

Feelings aren't facts. So I fully expect everyone to say "no Carrie nobody thinks that, nobody has expectations, you are ok, everything is ok" but feelings don't work that way, this is how I feel. 

I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I want. I don't know what will make me happy. I can't pinpoint exactly what is happening that is making me unhappy. I feel completely lost. I feel like I am suffocating in the love of the people around me. Which sounds completely selfish and awful. I know everyone just wants to help but what I need is space and time. I don't want to keep busy to take my mind off things, I want to slow down and figure it all out. I'm trying to organise counselling sessions. I'm trying to get back to the things I am passionate about. 

I don't know why I wrote this really. Partly because writing makes me feel better, partly because I want people to know what's going on in my head right now, partly because I'm sick of having to act like everything is rainbows and kittens when it's not. 

I'm not okay, but that's okay. I will get there.


Carrie xo