Wednesday, 31 December 2014

End of Year Wrap Up 2014

Last Selfie of 2014
I’ve written this post in my head a thousand times over the last few weeks knowing it was coming up to the end of the year, the tone of those posts varied depending on my mood at the time from angry “fuck you 2014” to the wise “well it was a year of growing and learning”. Now that the time has actually come to sit down and write it for real I don’t even really know where I want to start. The year is ending a whole lot differently to how I imagined it would. This time last year I was so happy and looking forward to a new life and over the last few months all of that came crumbling down around me.

Most of my year was spent in the warm cocoon of love. I was so happy. I finally thought I had found the one I would be with forever, the one who I could always be myself around and who gave me my confidence and voice back. Love has the capacity to change your life, to bring you happiness like nothing else, to make you feel like you can achieve anything and give you hope for a beautiful life full of possibilities and when all that promise is yanked out from beneath your feet so unexpectedly it crushes you. It crushed me. It broke me and it hurt.

I still believe in love. I am sure there is someone out there for me…but I don’t want it anymore. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I will never put myself at risk of being hurt that badly again because it’s just not worth it for me. So please don’t introduce me to your friend or co-worker or cousins best friends brother. I’m not interested and I don’t want you to give me the condescending “oh it’s just a phase you’ll get over it”. I don’t want to get over it. I am terrified of love.

2014 was big for me mentally. This year was the year I finally admitted I had a problem and went and got myself some help. I have depression and it’s not something new that appeared this year, it’s something I have been fighting as long as I could remember, I just didn’t recognise it for what it was until this year. I guess I always used to think that everyone feels like I do. Cries for no reason, thinks negative thoughts about themselves all the time. It wasn’t until Lewis looked at me and said “Carrie you have depression and you need to get help” that I really realised. It took a while after he told me that to follow through. I remember the day vividly. I woke up with a really bad back after sleeping weird and got up to make morning cups of tea, Lewwy was getting ready for work and when he left he said something along the lines of me being grumpy or upset and I just lost it and started crying immediately. I did not understand, I had been trying so hard for weeks to put on a happy face and was fooling everyone but he managed to see through me. I called in sick to work and quickly called the doctor before I could talk myself out of it. I was lucky to get an appointment that day, I cried as soon as I walked into my doctors office and he prescribed me 10mg of Lexapro daily and wrote me a referral for counselling.

That day changed everything for me, after a few weeks of my meds the constant chatter of my brain slowed down and quietened to the point I could concentrate on other things. Counselling helped me make small lifestyle changes to make big differences in my sleep quality and motivations.  My friends supported me and helped me through the rough patches and Lew was there for me every step of the way.

I’m not cured, not by a long shot, I don’t think there is a cure. I think it’s something I’ll fight forever. I still have bad days, dark patches, but I am much better equipped to deal with them than I was before. I am grateful that I got the push and had the support to go and get the help I needed, because if I hadn’t, I can’t tell you for sure whether I would have had the strength to make it through and still be sitting in this chair writing this post, not after the past few months.

It wasn’t all break ups and break-downs. This year I was lucky enough to meet and make two new fantastic friends. Katie and Simone. These two ladies, what can I say? You both never fail to put a smile on my face and I am extremely grateful to have you both in my life. Thanks for putting up with my grumpy moods and for always calling me out on my bullshit. You force me to be better and do better and not wallow in despair. I love you both. 

Moving forward what do I expect out of 2015? Nothing, I have no expectations because life doesn’t work that way, I do however have a list of things I want to accomplish over the coming year, some of which are things I’ve already started working on, others that will take a bit longer to get going. If I am good at anything, it’s writing lists. This one is a beauty….

Life Goals 2015
  1. Save up money to the Intro to Massage Therapy Course I’ve always wanted to do. If I like it, do the rest of the course.
  2. Do the H&R Block Personal Taxation Course.
  3. Get fluent in French
  4. Save up for epic holiday to visit Jarryd (UK) and Nicole (Canada)
  5. Use me etsy store properly, put stock up and start selling.
  6. Update my blogs at least fortnightly.
  7. Finish Simone’s blanket for Karri-Van.
  8. Learn a country song on guitar for Nanna.
  9. Make a baby blanket for Beckie.
  10. Start writing a novel. At least one chapter by the end of the year.
  11. Save up to visit Ash in Darwin.
  12. Get my splits at least one way.
  13. Run 5km.
  14. Start working on recipe book. 

With the exception of the three holidays and two courses most of those won’t really cost me anything so I feel like they are all achievable. I’ve been working on Simone’s blanket today so I’m hoping to tick that one off pretty quickly. The others all take time, commitment and determination which are all things I am lacking so as well as the obvious reward of achieving a goal I am also hoping this list will help me to stay focussed in the year ahead.

All in all I still don’t know how I feel about 2014, it certainly had its wonderful moments and I don’t believe in regret so I don’t have any of those. I don’t think a do over would change anything. So I guess I’m at an emotional standstill. Seeya 2014 you were a year in which things happened and right now that’s all I have to say.

Enjoy some photos from my year..

Happy New Years everyone. I wish you all love and laughter and happiness, be good to each other because it's nice to be nice. Be honest and loving. Take care with each others hearts and feelings. Love yourself and look after yourself and be true to your heart but listen to your head too.

Love Carrie xoxo

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Rant - Target bans GTA5 because of complaints of violence to women? Whaat?

Ugggghhhh this article Target removes Grand Theft Auto after complaints of female violence. Is GTA violent? Hell yes it is! I have played it and I've watched it be played, it's super violent, there is sex, drugs, murder, bad language, that's why it has been given an R18+ rating in Australia. However, GTA isn't violent towards's violent towards all sexes, races and ages. It does not discriminate. So sure Target, ban it for being violent but don't dare ban it in favour of a misguided feminist agenda. 

You want to talk about things Target stocks that is bad for women? How about books like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey that tell women that it's totally fine to emotionally and physically abused by your boyfriend because he is 'like so hot' and had a bad childhood so he is a little messed up but he'll come around one day and it's ok to abandon all of my friends for him. Then if your boyfriend dumps you it's totally an appropriate response to sink into a major depressive state for months and then start doing dangerous activity bordering on suicidal in order to get his attention. 

You know what message that sends out to women? That their worth is only defined by the relationships they have with their male partner. No partner, no worth. having a boyfriend is the most important thing in the world. The men in both these novels win. They make minimal changes to their behaviour and the women in the stories cave into their every demand and whim. It's a ridiculous and dangerous idea we put into the heads of women. 

How about the vanity sizing that has appeared in Target's clothing earlier this year. Hi ladies, we think that you measure your value using the number on your clothes tag so we are going to let you think your fit a smaller number so shopping here will make you feel better about yourself and you'll keep coming back. Yay profits! 

Now let's talk violence. Fight Club - has Target banned that movie? What about The Hunger Games where young people are pitted against each other in a fight to the death battle, I'm pretty sure those book and movies aren't just for sale but are heavily promoted. 

Do I think any of this needs to be banned? No. My point was that to ban one thing when they are arguably others just as bad is ludicrous. 

I think it's about time we start taking responsibility for our own choices and maybe instead of censorship we should look to education. I grew up watching violent action movies with my Dad, I've played plenty of violent video games and car racing games. I used to watch WWE wrestling religiously. I've seen plenty of sex scenes, drug use and bad language on the screen. I'm not violent, I don't drive like I'm in a race, I don't smash people in the back of the head with chairs, I don't have issues with sex, I have never taken drugs. Why? Because video games, movies, TV shows aren't real and I know that and I have real life role models in my life who educated me in right and wrong. I didn't learn how to life from my TV or books or magazines. I learnt to use my own judgement, to analyse situations, to use words to be a critic. Life does not imitate art, the media is a reflection of society and if you don't like the image being reflected then maybe you need to help project a better picture. 

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Monday, 24 November 2014

Moving from home to a house

I moved house this weekend. Moved from the home I lived in for one year with Lew full of love and memories to the house that used to be my Nannas. 

It was a big weekend, busy weekend, I moved a little on Saturday then everything else on Sunday with the help of my parents and a couple of friends. I also worked Friday night till midnight and again Saturday night till midnight. By Sunday evening I was exhausted and a little emotional. I thought I had been holding up ok for a few days but the move just made everything so final, it was the point of no return. I guess I had subconsciously still been holding onto a little seed of hope and after leaving our home realised that seed was never going to flourish. It was over. 

So after everyone left I made myself dinner and watched a little Futurama then went to bed and had a little cry. 

Love can be rough, painful, sad, heart wrenching but it can also be beautiful, uplifting, wonderful and happy. I'm still struggling at the moment but I am hoping before long I'll be okay. 

Carrie xoxo

Sunday, 16 November 2014

This time last week

This time last week was not so great for me, in fact it was downright horrible. To have your heart broken, completely unexpectedly, when you think everything has been going so beautifully is awful. The pain of heart break is unique, it feels like a part of you has been ripped out, like your very soul has been torn in two. Everything hurts and there is no painkiller, no bandaid, no crutches that can help ease that pain. 

This time last week I was a mess, frantically packing my bags without really thinking it through, calling my best friend for help, asking my parents to be on standby. Then I was alone, with my pets, in my Nanna's old empty house with nothing but my despair and messenger to keep me company. I was curled up in a ball, on a blanket surrounded by my belongings sobbing my heart out, hyperventilating, coughing, confused, destroyed, trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

This time last week I posted a photo at 10.34pm of my face, after hours of crying, exhausted, and I said 

Just tell myself that tonight is the worst I'll feel. The most I'll cry. Every day after tonight will be slightly less shit then eventually they be ok and then they'll be good again.  
I was right. That night was the very worst. In the week since I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I've been so up and down, angry, sad, confused, scared, sad, mostly sad. The only thing getting me through was the amazing outpouring of love from my friends and family. So I want to thank you all, and to everyone who kept me sane my talking to me on messenger late at night, you all know who you are. Thank you. The nights were and still are the absolute worst. 

Now, it's one week later. I'm still sad, still heartbroken but I know I did everything I could and I can't make someone love me, I can't make someone come back and I can't sit around crying forever. So I'm focusing on the practical. Working out where I'm going to live and how I'm going to afford it, looking after Bob and Roxy, trying to get enough sleep, keeping the house clean and tidy, exercising and all that jazz.

Yeah I wish I could turn back time, try sort this out, make everything better but I can't, so all I can do is make do with what I have got.

Big love everyone

Carrie xoxo xxxx

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Why I take so many selfies...

I had coffee with a girlfriend this morning and when our coffees arrived we both whipped out our phones and took a picture before digging in. We laughed about it and I said to her 
"if you have coffee, and don't take a photo of it, did you really have a coffee??"
We had a laugh and moved on. Later I was out with my sister and she made a joke about my penchant for taking selfies. Afterwards when I was driving home alone pondering life (as I often do in the car) I thought about both conversations and realised my coffee comment really shed light on my selfie obsession.

I mentioned in my previous post that my depression often makes me feel insecure. It also can make me feel invisible, unwanted, unloved, insignificant. It suuuuucks and then I take a selfie, and I post it. To remind myself that I do exist, to remind other people that I exist? For a little bit of attention so I know that people out there know I'm here. It's like a tiny cry for help "notice me please i'm here!!". 

Look not every photo of my face is because of this. Let's be honest, sometimes I just think I look nice haha! A lot of them do stem from my insecurity though, and it makes me wonder how many other people feel the same way, with their Facebooks, Twitters and Instagrams filled with pictures of their face or their body. Begging for you to see them and acknowledge them. Or is this just me? 

Carrie xoxo

Some selfies over the last few months