Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Let's talk insecurity

My depression manifests in different ways and at different times. Since I've started on my antidepressants that annoying inner monologue or negative thinking has definitely quietened down to an extent where it's not an every day struggle to ignore it and put on a happy face, however every now and then it does rear it's head. Sometimes just popping up and going away quickly, other time, like now, it decides to stick around for a few days, niggling in the background. The topics vary from "what exactly are you doing with your life? You're just a stupid receptionist with no qualifications" to "wow everyone on Earth is annoying how do you put up with all these annoying people? You should be grumpy about it" or "hey your boyfriend is way younger than you, don't you think you are too old? I bet he'd way rather be with some hot younger girl, you are a boring loser".


Look I know everyone has feelings of self-doubt and insecurity sometimes and that is normal. This though, this is almost constant, whenever I am not busy with something else my mind turns to this, starts putting thoughts into my head. It makes me feel shit about myself, tries to make me believe the negative thoughts it's feeding me. Then the insecurity sets in, what if I am never going to be more than a receptionist? What if I'm stuck on this salary forever? Maybe Lew would be happier with someone younger? Am I boring? Oh my god I'm a shit girlfriend why does he even go out with me?" I'm shit, I'm useless, I'm going nowhere, I can never live up to everyone's expectations, negative, negative, negative. Then, because I know it's just my brain messing with me, I start getting annoyed at myself for not being able to control it and for knowing I'm just overreacting but not being able to stop paying attention to it and react emotionally. Uggghhh.

The struggle is real you guys

So what helps? For me i guess being self aware is helpful, recognising the negative thought patterns and telling myself no and reminding myself of the evidence against what these thoughts are saying. Looking after myself also helps, I'm currently taking three aerial classes a week and i'm about to start cardio on weekends with my sister Lee who is going to attempt to train me so I can run. I'm trying to eat better food and drink less sugar. Healthy body ---> Healthy mind! Relaxing and unwinding is useful, I LOVE to cook almost as much as I love to eat so when my thoughts turn to shit I try turn my thoughts back to cooking, I plan meals in my head and think up recipes then cook up a storm! This helps too, writing, I have always enjoyed writing as a way to let out my feelings, that's actually why I am writing today. 

Playing video games is helping too, Lewwy just bought Shadow of Mordor and killing orcs is an excellent way to let off some steam! Especially riding on the back of a caragor. Seriously. It's a good game. Video games and reading books, they both transport me to another world for a little while, a small escape.

Spending time with loved ones of course helps too, reminding myself that there are people who do love me and value me despite what my head wants to sometimes tell me. It's not all about the people though, cuddling the pets or watching our fish swim also makes me feel at ease. This afternoon Lew and I hung out in the garden watering our plants and now i've been watching him play video games while I cook dinner. I've been having an all day Facebook chat with my sisters which has been really nice. A little love goes a long way.

So now, after a good few days of being down in the dumps, I'm feeling better tonight. Heaps better, and sure it might come back later or in a few days or in a month and it sucks but knowing that I can get through it. Insecurity begone!

Love Carrie xoxo

What are your favourite ways to unwind?

How do you deal when you are felling insecure or unsure about yourself?