Monday, 24 November 2014

Moving from home to a house

I moved house this weekend. Moved from the home I lived in for one year with Lew full of love and memories to the house that used to be my Nannas. 

It was a big weekend, busy weekend, I moved a little on Saturday then everything else on Sunday with the help of my parents and a couple of friends. I also worked Friday night till midnight and again Saturday night till midnight. By Sunday evening I was exhausted and a little emotional. I thought I had been holding up ok for a few days but the move just made everything so final, it was the point of no return. I guess I had subconsciously still been holding onto a little seed of hope and after leaving our home realised that seed was never going to flourish. It was over. 

So after everyone left I made myself dinner and watched a little Futurama then went to bed and had a little cry. 

Love can be rough, painful, sad, heart wrenching but it can also be beautiful, uplifting, wonderful and happy. I'm still struggling at the moment but I am hoping before long I'll be okay. 

Carrie xoxo

Monday, 17 November 2014

U2 All I Want is You

Ugghh struggle town today...

Sunday, 16 November 2014

This time last week

This time last week was not so great for me, in fact it was downright horrible. To have your heart broken, completely unexpectedly, when you think everything has been going so beautifully is awful. The pain of heart break is unique, it feels like a part of you has been ripped out, like your very soul has been torn in two. Everything hurts and there is no painkiller, no bandaid, no crutches that can help ease that pain. 

This time last week I was a mess, frantically packing my bags without really thinking it through, calling my best friend for help, asking my parents to be on standby. Then I was alone, with my pets, in my Nanna's old empty house with nothing but my despair and messenger to keep me company. I was curled up in a ball, on a blanket surrounded by my belongings sobbing my heart out, hyperventilating, coughing, confused, destroyed, trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

This time last week I posted a photo at 10.34pm of my face, after hours of crying, exhausted, and I said 

Just tell myself that tonight is the worst I'll feel. The most I'll cry. Every day after tonight will be slightly less shit then eventually they be ok and then they'll be good again.  
I was right. That night was the very worst. In the week since I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I've been so up and down, angry, sad, confused, scared, sad, mostly sad. The only thing getting me through was the amazing outpouring of love from my friends and family. So I want to thank you all, and to everyone who kept me sane my talking to me on messenger late at night, you all know who you are. Thank you. The nights were and still are the absolute worst. 

Now, it's one week later. I'm still sad, still heartbroken but I know I did everything I could and I can't make someone love me, I can't make someone come back and I can't sit around crying forever. So I'm focusing on the practical. Working out where I'm going to live and how I'm going to afford it, looking after Bob and Roxy, trying to get enough sleep, keeping the house clean and tidy, exercising and all that jazz.

Yeah I wish I could turn back time, try sort this out, make everything better but I can't, so all I can do is make do with what I have got.

Big love everyone

Carrie xoxo xxxx

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Why I take so many selfies...

I had coffee with a girlfriend this morning and when our coffees arrived we both whipped out our phones and took a picture before digging in. We laughed about it and I said to her 
"if you have coffee, and don't take a photo of it, did you really have a coffee??"
We had a laugh and moved on. Later I was out with my sister and she made a joke about my penchant for taking selfies. Afterwards when I was driving home alone pondering life (as I often do in the car) I thought about both conversations and realised my coffee comment really shed light on my selfie obsession.

I mentioned in my previous post that my depression often makes me feel insecure. It also can make me feel invisible, unwanted, unloved, insignificant. It suuuuucks and then I take a selfie, and I post it. To remind myself that I do exist, to remind other people that I exist? For a little bit of attention so I know that people out there know I'm here. It's like a tiny cry for help "notice me please i'm here!!". 

Look not every photo of my face is because of this. Let's be honest, sometimes I just think I look nice haha! A lot of them do stem from my insecurity though, and it makes me wonder how many other people feel the same way, with their Facebooks, Twitters and Instagrams filled with pictures of their face or their body. Begging for you to see them and acknowledge them. Or is this just me? 

Carrie xoxo

Some selfies over the last few months