Monday, 21 December 2015

Borrowed Time

Every time I try to sit down and write I have this page open with two sentences and then I psych myself out and decide to stop or procrastinate till my computer dies (currently sitting at 4% battery). I'm going to try smash this out. No filtering just feelings.

I've been in a bad place the last few weeks...months even. To the point where i've been thinking maybe I need to go back on medication. I manage to talk myself down or I have a few good days and decide everything is alright. I always struggle more around my birthday and Christmas for reasons that I really don't want to get into. This year I had a pretty awesome birthday, I turned 30 and I guess I feel like it was an accomplishment. Making it to 30 when some days I feel like I won't make it till the end of the day. Then the week after I was a ball of stress and anxiety. I feel almost like i'm living on borrowed time. Like when you are playing Super Mario and the time is running low and the music speeds up and you just run as fast as you can to the finish line so you can make it there before the time runs out. Thats how I feel. I also feel like I need to prove myself to everyone, like people have these expectations of me and i feel like I am really not living up to them at the moment. Then I feel shit about it because I hate feeling like a disappointment you know.

Shits hard.

The truth lies.

Love Caz xoxo

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Seven Random Facts

I put a lot of stuff out there on social media and here on this blog about me but I also hide so much stuff about myself from everyone. So today I was thinking about that and thought I would share seven random facts about me that maybe nobody knows. 


ONE - I hate making plans in advance.There is literally one person I will make advanced plans with and the only reason I do it with her is because she knows what I am like and doesn't get mad when I cancel. If I make plans in advance you can almost guarantee I will cancel them. I don't really know why I do this but it's just my thing. I am much more of a spur of them moment type person which is why I often wake up in the morning on the weekend and decide to drive two hours down south on a whim. 

Spontaneous random adventures = GOOD
Carefully planned and organised events = UGGHH DO I HAVE TO

TWO - I hate surprises. I don't think surprises are cute or fun. I think they are awful and I hate them with every single fibre of my being. Don't ever plan a surprise party for me because I will not apologise for getting shitty about it. I also won't apologise for how bratty that sounds but ugh. I guess after reading the first point, surprising me would actually make sense, I hate making plans so if I don't know about it then it's fine right. Wrong. Don't. Thanks. Also receiving anonymous gifts makes my anxiety sky high. So your cute gift is actually just an anxiety attack waiting to happen. No. 

THREE - I really like watching documentaries. Sometimes I get in a mood and just watch a bunch of documentaries in a row. I like learning. Weird religious cults, animals, how things are made, true crime, food, drugs, porn, whatever. I love that. 

FOUR - I do not want to watch whatever hilarious youtube video you have found. Tag me in it on Facebook that's fine but please do not come up to me and say "OMG watch this, it's soo funny/cute/awesome" chances are I won't think it's funny and then you'll get offended that we don't share the same sense of humour or I'll just pretend it's great while wishing I could have the last 1:57 minutes of my life back. I don't know what it is because you could tag me in the same video and I'll watch it in my own time and think it's great, but stick your phone in my face and say WATCH THIS just makes me die a little on the inside. My actual version of hell is being stuck in a house that I can't escape with a non-stop meowing cat and a bunch of women who don't understand how technology works constantly asking me to fix their computers and watch "funny" youtube videos. 

FIVE - I love cooking for other people. It's pretty obvious that I am obsessed with food and I love cooking but when I'm just cooking for myself I don't really make much effort. It's when I am cooking for other people that I shine. Maybe it has something to do with my need to always be looking after people but I love to cook for others. I love it when people eat my food and enjoy it and I don't cook for just anyone. If I offer to cook you dinner it means i really care about you. So please know that and don't take advantage.

SIX - I don't drink very much and I only rarely drink to the point of drunk. I actually have talked about this before but it bears repeating. For a little while I was self medicating with alcohol which is a terrible idea. So I stopped drinking all together and now I just drink every now and then. I really have to be in the mood for it,  and often I'll have one and then stop. Sometimes I'll have a few and end up tipsy and then have a raging hangover the next day because part of being a teetotaller means that if you do start drinking again your body cannot handle it like it used to. 

SEVEN - I like asking philosophical type questions. I am collecting a stack. Funnily enough, you learn a lot about a person by asking them questions. Ha! I like long conversations about life and love and the universe. I like a good debate and seeing things from another persons perspective. I like being challenged on my beliefs , asked why I think what I do. I think it's important to take a step back every now and then and look at yourself. I wish I did it more often. 

So that's that!  Seven quick facts about me. Hope you enjoyed them, leave me some love or stimulating conversation in the comments

Love Caz xoxo

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

The Belly of the Beast

Last Friday night I stood up in stage in front of over 300 people and hosted an event for my workplace Polercise WA - Aerial Fitness Studio. It went for 3 hours and I had to introduce all the performers, interview people, talk to the crowd, get them excited, act confident, be fun, be engaging. I was anxious but I did it and I got good reviews and all in all it was a great night.

Today, just five days later, I called in sick for work and couldn't bring myself to leave my room till 2pm. I was teary intermittently I didn't felt very fun or engaging or the least bit confident. If I'm honest I'm feeling really worthless and bitterly lonely and sometimes I don't really feel like being here anymore. I almost had a meltdown while pulling out weeds in my backyard and had to calm myself down by cleaning my kitchen. 

This is the nature of my sickness. It can be up and down. Lately I have felt like I've been on a downward slope. I don't know why and I don't really know what to do other than keep pushing on. I am sick of feeling like a burden. 

In any case this video always explains how I feel a lot better than how I actually can. It's long but it's great. My favourite part is when he says "the truth lies" because it really does, and if the truth didn't lie then maybe I would be okay. 

Love Carrie

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

hate love I don't want it

I don't believe in love. I'm jaded and disillusioned. I self sabotage. I'm over it and I'm done. 

Monday, 21 September 2015

Blood Moon Apocalypse

According to a few fun loving religious folk this coming Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse on September 28 could possibly be heralding in the apocalypse.

So, my question to you fine folk is this. If indeed the end of the world is nigh, are you happy with how you have lived your life? 

I guess it's more of an internal question, I don't necessarily want you to tell me your answer, but I always find this kind of thing interesting to think about. I certainly won't be sharing by answer. Think about it and happy apocalypse! 

Love Carrie xoxo

Monday, 10 August 2015

Rainbows and Déjà Vu


I love rainbows which should be quite apparent to you given the name of this blog, this is picture I took of now at work today it's very faint. Rainbows have a special place in my heart, they always make me feel so good inside when I see them. Some people look up at the stars and get some sort of perspective on their place in the world but for me it's rainbows. Just the right amount of water and light and the perfect angle and it appears. It's beautiful. I also feel like for me I'll always notice a rainbow in times I need direction, for me a rainbow is a sign that I'm on the right path and that things are going as they should. I don't have very many spiritual things that I believe in or go by but this is one of them, I feel the same way about déjà vu. I take it as a message that things are going the way they are intended. Today when I took this photo of this rainbow I had the strongest sensation of déjà vu. So intense I had to stop what I was doing until it went away. It is a strange feeling, not overly pleasant or unpleasant. 

So for me this is a sign that the decisions i've made recently have been the right ones and to trust in myself. Maybe there will be more rainbows in my future

Carrie xoxo xxxx

One Week Later

What a difference a week makes. Last week didn't end so great for me and it's funny I'm sitting here in the same place at the same time I wrote my last post and my mood is totally different. Sure i'm definitely not all peaches and honey but I'm feeling far less sorry for myself at least. Once again I find myself single and that sucks, girl can't hold down a boyfriend for shit, but I'm not beating myself up this time, not obsessing over what I did wrong. It just didn't go my way and that's that. Same story as always. 

I've been cooking up a storm though! Right now, it's 9pm and I'm baking banana bread...which I just realised takes an hour to finish. I made Vietnamese Rice Paper Rolls earlier today, Green Bean and Prawn Salad yesterday and the best Minestrone I've ever made during the week last week. There is not a lot that is more healing to me than cooking delicious food. Plans for this week include Cannelloni and some kind of biscuits. 

I found out this week that I have Asthma which is good...in a way because at least I now know what's wrong with me and can fix it. I'm on a preventer now so I'm not sucking back ventilate every hour and I can sleep through the night without having a coughing fit and feeling like I'm going to die. I'm hoping it'll just be a seasonal thing that will go away once the weather warms up. Which I can't wait for because fuck this cold weather! I hate having to dress in layers and have a thousand blankets on my bed..not to mention my electricity bill has doubled... I don't do well in cold weather 

So that's life, its a roller-coaster of ups and downs and sometimes it's hard but if there were no challenges life would be boring right? Hmmm now I feel like peaches and honey..

Have a great day!

Carrie xo

Sunday, 2 August 2015

Week Off

I've just had the week off work and it was supposed to be a good thing, to help me recharge, to get shit done, but here I am on Sunday night, the last day of my break before I go back to work and I'm sitting on my couch in tears. I've had a shitty week, i've been so sick that I haven't been able to achieve any of the things I wanted to achieve. I tried to go for a walk this morning and almost died because I couldn't breathe, my car has been giving me trouble and needs a full on service which will once again put me in the red because I don't make enough money to be able to afford this kind of thing at the drop of a hat. People who say they love me aren't acting like it at all and make me feel unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. I feel like an insignificant piece of shit if you want me to be really honest. I don't want to talk to my friends about it because friends tell me that maybe I should go back and talk to my psychologist, and I love me friends dearly for trying to help I really do; but this isn't happening inside my head. These things are real, they are really happening to me. I feel like the universe is just waiting for me to quit. Seeing how much shit I'll take till I break. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do here. I don't know what the lesson is. I just know that I hurt. I hurt so much and I hate it.

But I am safe, that is never something you need to worry about, because I would rather hurt than be the one to hurt any of you

xo 

Friday, 31 July 2015

My 5 Cents - Adam Goodes

I want to lead this opinion piece with a clear disclaimer. I am not a huge fan of AFL, first of all because I'm not a huge sports fan in general and secondly because I just kind of feel like as a society we hoist these men up onto mantlepieces and regard them as heroes and role models when really...they are just footy players. Being a football player doesn't really mean anything other than that you are exceptionally talented at football yet we expect so much more from these men who start their careers in their teenage years and grow into adulthood inside a bubble. Then we drop them like hot coals when they fall from grace or act in any way different to what we expect they should...or... just as badly, we ignore their indiscretions because hellloooo have you seen how well that guy can kick a footy??

I digress, lets get back on topic. I don't really like to comment on thing I don't know much about so I did a little research and from that research I have emerged with this opinion. 

Adam Goodes is geting booed, yes. Is it because he is Aboriginal? I can't say that every person who boos him does it for that reason, however I think we can all agree that some of them definitely are. Maybe some people are booing because he is "a soft player". Maybe some just don't like that he "is playing the victim". Maybe some because they don't like what happened to that little girl... whatever the reason a few people will start booing then mob mentality takes over and suddenly for a myriad of reasons everyone is booing. 

Let's talk about that little girl hey? Yep Goodes got some little girl kicked out of a game...but that girl called him an ape which is a disgusting thing for anyone, let alone a 13 year old kid to do. Yeah yeah "but she was only 13, she didn't know any better" you cry. BULLSHIT. I say to you. I am sure that even if she didn't know the racial connotations of her words she surely knew that calling someone an ape is a shitty thing to do. If not, hopefully being kicked out taught her a valuable lesson about racism, one that was clearly not taught to her by whatever adults were around her at the game and thought that kind of language was ok for her to scream at another person. 

Let's take the angle that the booing isn't racially motivated. So why does he get booed? "err it's because he's a soft player" scream the comment sections of any article you read on the matter (also thats what my boyfriend claims too) but there are lots of soft players in the AFL...do they get the same reaction as strongly and as consistently as Adam? The guy has won two Brownlow Medals, a four time All-Australian, he's played 365 games scoring 454 goals in his career. So maybe he is getting booed for being great at the game? 

I am sure that some people are booing him for non race related reasons and there is no doubt that Adam Goodes like to rile up the crowd a little but there is a big difference between a little back and forth heckling and loud booing every time the guy gets near the ball. Give me a break. Its gotten personal, and honestly... I don't think the reason even matters anymore. We've crossed the line past innocent banter to full on bullying. Yes bullying, thats what it's called. Adam has come out and has said it upsets him, makes him think about retiring and he STILL gets booed. That my friends, is bullying, because those people in the crowd now know that it hurts him and they still do it. This is pre-school shit that we try teach our kids not to do yet every weekend there we are in the grandstands picking on a guy for whatever bullshit reason we can think of to justify our actions. 

Maybe we aren't racist but we are definitely arseholes on this matter and good on you Adam Goodes for standing up for yourself. That is the kind of role model I would be happy to have on my mantlepiece. 

Feel free to comment but remember... Don't be a bully

Love Carrie

p.s. just in case you were wondering...here is some of the articles I read before writing this, I also braved the comment sections. 




Sunday, 19 July 2015

Give me a sign

It's Sunday night and I have had a pretty busy weekend, busy but nice after a pretty hideous week at work. I feel like I have decisions I need to make and sometimes I ask life for a sign but thinking about it tonight, I think life has already given me a heap of signs...I've just been ignoring them because I'm scared. Sometimes you have to make hard choices and I guess after the rough past 7 months I have had I just don't want hard. I really don't. I just desperately want easy, I want happy, I want appreciated, I want loved. I can't handle more hard. Sometimes I honestly feel like happiness is a luxury that other people have and that is always just a little out of reach for me, I get close but never quite there, I get moments and I get stretches of time but it doesn't seem to last. Something tends to pop up to burst my bubble, to bring me back down. Is this a self-fufilling prophecy? It very well could be, I'm so used to it happening that now I expect it, probably end up bringing it on; I don't know how to fix that. I don't think this is related to my mental health issues either because in that respect, I am still going really well. 

I don't really know what the point of writing this post was. To get it out of my head? Advice? What do you do when you have hard decisions to make? 

Life huh?

Goodnight Caz xoxo

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

What is a "successful" life?

My friend Katie and I are often pondering the big (and not so big) questions, when does something cross the line from hobby to addiction? Where did we come from? Can vampires lose or gain weight? Are dinosaurs real? etc We like to ask the people around us these questions and enjoy debating topics and hearing other people opinions. One question we asked more recently is one that has stuck with me and I find really interesting...
How do you measure a "successful" life?
I don't mean life in general I mean your specific life. When you die, before whatever you believe happens, happens, pretend you are given a life satisfaction survey. What answers would you have to give to be able to consider your own life a "success". For some people, raising healthy, happy children might be their measure, for others it could be a great career, or perhaps travelling the world? Maybe it's a combination of a few different things. It could simple or complex, tangible or abstract. It can be something that is ever evolving as you grow and learn or an idea you have had stuck in your head ever since you were little. 

How would I measure it? What would make my life a "success"? I don't know if I can give a solid answer but I have a few ideas. First up, I'd like to have known I had a positive impact on peoples lives, whether that's from being just a good friend or by teaching something or anything other way and contrarily I'd like to be sure I never knowingly and intentionally had a negative impact on anyone either. Secondly, I'd want to know I held no ignorant opinions. I'm a pretty opinionated person, but I like to think that I base my opinions on actual facts and real life experience rather than hearsay and fear. I'd also want to know I was always open to hearing other peoples opinions and was open minded. Third, I'd want to have had a partner who was just that, a real partner, with mutual love, respect, honesty and care for each other. Fourth, I'd want to have been happy and lived for myself and not for anyone else. I may add things as I get older but for now, I think these four things would make me feel pretty happy with my life. 

So what about you? How would you measure your life as a success? I found it a pretty hard question to answer. It's also quite a personal question but it's interesting to think about.

Carrie xo

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Exciting News!

I left you guys hanging for longer than I intended with this news but I've been mega busy and have only just had time to sit down and write this post. I am super excited to share the news with you that I am getting trained up to instruct at my pole studio Polercise WA! Yahoo!! Some of you may have known that I have been training to instruct our Aerial Yoga classes that are starting up in the next few months but a week or so ago Tracey asked me if I'd like to come on and train to instruct in all classes and of course I said yes! I am so excited to be given such an awesome opportunity to train and work with a bunch of women who are so inspiring, so encouraging, supportive and beautiful. I can only hope that I can live up to the high standard that they have all set. 


I wrote about Polercise way back in 2010 when I first started. At the time I wrote that the discussion I had with Tracey that led to me joining up felt like it was just meant to happen. Five years later I couldn't agree with that statement more. That one conversation was the start of a love affair that has endured through all the ups, downs, twists and turns in my life. I have met amazing people, made great friends, have never laughed so much in my life and I have got stronger and more confident than I ever thought possible both in body and mind. If you had told me back then that in five years I'd not just be doing pole, but hoops and silks and learning to instruct.. I don't think I'd have believed you!. 


I have never been the most athletic person. I didn't do dancing when I was little like my sisters. I was not into sport at school (AT ALL). I've never been flexible or overly strong. I was always pretty uncoordinated. Polercise was a life changer for me. I don't like going to the gym, I find it next level boring. I'm not much of a runner despite trying a few times to give it a go. Aerials is the one sport that I love. It doesn't feel like exercise even though it definitely is and anyone can do it. Seriously, anyone can do it. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are, male, female, old or young. It's for everyone! We all have different strengths and weaknesses. You might kill it on one move and struggle with another one for months. It's challenging and addictive and so much fun. 


What I love the absolute most is the culture of the studio. It is easy to think that a sport where you often have to be barely dressed could be full of intimidating, judgemental, bitchy women. Easy to feel like you could only go if you are tall and skinny and 'perfect'. Nope. No. Not at all. I have never ever had a class that was anything less than incredibly supportive. Tracey and her team of instructors have created an atmosphere of comfort and acceptance and love. We're like a bunch or cheerleaders, always shouting our support for each other. Congratulating each other when we nail a move, taking photos so we can show our friends and family what we're up to. It's that positive encouraging family vibe that I love.


So that's my big news! I can't wait to get started and I am so happy and grateful to Tracey for giving me a chance! I hope I can rock it!


Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Little Lonely

I'm doing so much better than last time I wrote. I think I'm pretty much over the come down, the withdrawals and back to normal now, whatever 'normal' is I guess! So now it's really just up to me to use the tools I learnt in therapy to stop myself from getting stuck in that downward spiral when bad thoughts come to play in my head, and to make sure the noise doesn't get so loud that it overpowers me again. I've said before that I feel confident about it and i really do.

I think what is important is to realise that everyone has bad days and negative thoughts. There is nothing wrong with being sad or angry. It's when those feelings take over your life that there is a problem. I would argue that always trying to be happy and ignoring sadness and negative emotions is bad for you. Sometimes you need a cry, sometimes you need to be angry. Just keep it in check and look after yourself. I think we are taught too much nowadays that things should be kittens and rainbows and we should all love each other and everyone should be friendly. That's not a realistic world view. There will always be things that come up that bring you down, that's ok, own it, deal with it, learn from it, move on. You are not going to get on with everyone you meet, some people are just arseholes, other people you just genuinely may have nothing in common with. It's ok to not get on with everyone. Just don't be a dick about it.

Tonight I'm feeling super lonely. I guess it's to be expected, for the last 6 and a half years I have been in and out of relationships almost the entire time. Being alone is hard to get used to but it's what I want right now. Loneliness is a hard beast to tame. It makes me want to make bad life choices like text boys I know are bad for me. Play the 'what if' game in my head. Wonder if i'm going to be alone forever and ever. So I have to fight that. Instead I'm writing this post, the i'm going to have a ridiculously hot shower then curl up in bed with a good book and lose myself in imaginary worlds till I fall asleep. Sometimes fighting the beast is just a matter of distraction and waiting it out.

How do you fight the loneliness? Leave you tips and tricks in the comments.

Love and hugs Carrie xoxo

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Irritability

Wednesdays generally are not a great day for me, I can tell because it's the day I usually end up needing to write something down in my journal. I mentioned in my last post that one side effect I have noticed since coming off my medication is irritability and today it's bad. Real bad. I am trying really hard to keep it under control and doing that generally means that I try to keep quiet and avoid conversation. It's really awful and I feel like a huge arsehole. I'm in struggle town a little bit and it makes me think. Is this what I was like before? Before I asked for help. Was I always this irritable? Was I always just skimming the edge? Is that why I was always so exhausted? Is that why things didn't work out with my ex? Was I aware it was happening back then? 

So many questions. So little answers. However it doesn't really matter does it? That was then and pondering on it doesn't really do a lot to change the now. I juts have to roll with it and make sure I stay alert enough to get help if I feel myself falling off of that ledge. 

Struggle town

Love Carrie xoxo 

Monday, 1 June 2015

Off Meds - Progress Report

Well it has been around 6 days since I came off my antidepressant medication completely and I though some of you might be interested in a progress report of any change I have noticed. I have seen a few things pop up and I don't know if they are definitely a result of coming off meds, some may be placebo reactions, others might just be a big coincidence in any case...here they are...
  1. Irritability - So generally my moods have been fine but a couple of short periods of being really fucking irritable for no reason. I just hate everyone and even though nobody is doing anything wrong the sound of their voices make me want to punch them. Luckily it only lasts a short period of time and I am self aware enough to realise what is going on so I can stop myself from actually lashing out at anyone! I have been a little irritable tonight and just sent apology texts to my parents for being such a grumpy bitch at dinner. I am very lucky to have understanding and supportive friends and family. I am however VERY mindful not to use this as a crutch "sorry i'm such an arsehole i'm coming off meds" is not an excuse to be a jerk to everyone around you 24/7.
  2. Increased Libido - Family members feel free to skip this section! It's not a huge secret that antidepressants can mess with your sex drive but I don't think I ever really noticed a decrease in my libido but holy shit I have noticed the increase. An increase which is rather frustrating considering I have made the decision to live the single life for the foreseeable future. Ugh.
  3. Dreams - I have mentioned dreams before and I am still not sure if it's my recall that is better or if I am actually just having more vivid dreams or perhaps a little of both but this is one side effect that I love. I love to dream, I often have my head in the clouds during the day and like to get lost in my imagination so getting my dreams back has been so awesome, even if the dreams I'm having have been super weird and some of them a little prophetic! 
They are the three I have noticed the most so far, I have also had a lot less headaches and haven't taken painkillers in a while but I think that is due more to my change in diet than the medication. One side effect that people often notice is a change in weight, I believe a gain in weight when starting medication and a loss in weight when coming off. I don't think I noticed an increase when I went on, when I started on Lexapro my motivation to do anything was at about 0% so I had already put on weight. Since the start of this year I have been working hard to get back my healthy strong body I used to have, it's too early to tell whether coming off the medication will help but in any case I would not be able to say for certain whether it was because of the meds or just because I have been training harder. 

I'm still in a really good place, I'm happy to say that the negative thought patterns that used to plague me have not come back nor have the suicidal thoughts or crushing self doubt. I'm happy with the path I'm on and so glad I took that step, almost a year ago now, of asking for help. I'm so glad I spoke to my doctor, went on meds, did two rounds of psychological therapy. Without all that, I have no idea where I would be now, probably not writing this post that's for sure.

Don't be scared to ask for help you guys, it can get better for you.

Big love Carrie xoxo

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Forgiveness

Recently someone asked me for forgiveness and I found that as much as I really wanted to give it to him, I couldn't. It got me thinking about forgiveness and what it really means to me. Like I said, I really wanted to be able to give this person forgiveness. I didn't want to hold on to that hurt and resentment and sadness but I felt that granting forgiveness would mean that I was okay with what happened, and i'm not okay with it yet. Is that what forgiveness is though? Does it mean you are telling that person their actions were okay? Is it a way of accepting an apology without absolving that person of what they did? Can you forgive but not forget or do those things have to go hand in hand?

The dictionary defines 'forgive' as a verb that means 'stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw or mistake'. I took to Facebook to ask my friends what forgiveness mean to them. Whenever I am struggling with thoughts like this I find it really helps to listen to other people perspectives, sometimes a different point of view is exactly what you need! 

Almost everyone said something along the lines of forgiveness meaning letting go of hurt, of anger, of resentment. A few people mentioned that forgiveness comes when they other person is sincerely sorry. Others said that forgiveness comes with time and it can't be forced it just happens.

One particular comment I loved was
Forgiveness is making the decision that you'll no longer be controlled by someone's hurtful actions. It truly has nothing to do with the other person. It's about freedom for you.
Everyones comments were helpful and really gave me more to think about. I don't think i'm completely clear on my feelings yet but this is what i've got so far.

Forgiveness is a process, it is about letting go of those bad feelings that someone else's actions have given you. It's about taking the control back from them and saying "yes you did this to me and it was shitty and it's not okay but i'm no longer angry or upset or resentful about it". I think it does take time, time to get over that hurt and to grow. I think someone being sorry is somewhat irrelevant, I think you can choose to forgive someone who isn't sorry and I think you can also feel like you can't forgive someone who is sincerely sorry. Forgiveness is about you and you decide when you are ready to give it. 

It's okay to feel sad, to feel a little resentful, to feel hurt. We can't be puppies, flowers and rainbows all of the time, emotions are important, the trouble starts when those emotions start eating away at you and negatively impact your day to day functioning or your relationships with the people around you. 

I feel a little better about my decision to not forgive, I'm just not ready yet as much as I wish I was and as far as I have come, I am still hurting and it's going to take me a little longer before I can let go of that for good. I'm getting closer and I think this bit of self realisation I have achieved today is helping to put me closer to forgiveness. 

Do you have an opinion on forgiveness? Do you find it hard or easy? What is something you find is unforgivable? 

Love Carrie xoxo 

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Officially Off Meds!

Well today is day two that I have been officially off my medication! I had almost put off doing it as I'm currently experiencing a little bit of an issue with a certain ex-boyfriend trying to get back into my life but I decided that there will always be some sort of challenge and what better way to test my resilience and adaptability than by going in head first? So far I haven't really noticed any particular change in my mood or ability to shut out the background noise of my brain. I think last time when I dropped from 10mg to 5mg I was fine for a day or two, a bit uneasy for a few days and then okay again after that so I am expecting a similar type of pattern. 

As I mentioned in my last post I did end up discussing my reduction in medication with my doctor and she was happy with the way I have been going and told me I was fine to continue as I planned. I have half a blister pack of Lexapro left over so if for some reason I react badly to coming off I will ease myself back on with 2.5mg. I think I will be fine though, I have been doing so well and I know I have the skills to get through whatever life throws at me without going off the edge again. 

I feel so good that I am in the zone where I feel like I can do this and be okay. 

I will keep you posted

Carrie xoxo 


Monday, 4 May 2015

Going Off Meds

I had a pretty rough weekend. I keep a lot of things to myself, or at the very least downgrade how I feel about things to people. This past weekend a lot of little things that had been bothering me over the last few weeks and months built up and up till they boiled over and hit me like an avalanche. I've been sick for months, I want to sell my old house, I'm lonely, I  have a millions bills to pay and a million things to save for, work is being shit etc etc. So it all got on top of me and I had a little meltdown and cried and for a little while decided...
"fuck it i'm going to stop taking my meds because life is shit anyway so who cares i'll always be sad"
So dramatic.

Anyway, I calmed down and got over it and I am fine today and thats important because there is a difference between depression sadness and just being upset about something. I think that because I have depression I feel like I can't be sad and that every time I am sad it's because of this brain thing and it's not. People get upset sometimes and that's okay and every now and then you have to have a cry. It's not a failure. It's life. Don't ever forget that.

Funnily enough...I actually am going off my meds. I have been weaning myself off since Easter. I've dropped down half a dose from 10mg of Lexapro to 5mg. It has been going well. I am going to stick with this dose for a little. It was a little bit rough for about the first week and a half but I've been feeling better with it over the last couple of weeks. The most obvious side effect which I have noticed is my dreams. I am not sure if I am dreaming more vividly or if my dream recall is just better but I have been having and remembering the craziest dreams and it's so good. I haven't noticed many more but I have put my friends on watch to look out to see if my mood drops or anything else happens as they may be better at picking up on things than me. 

I am seeing my doctor next week, for other health reasons but also to talk about my meds reduction and make sure I am doing the right things. I am also taking a herbal supplement that apparently helps so I am going to bring her that to see what she says too. I am really hoping that I can also get some answers to the health issues that have been plaguing me lately too. I am sick of feeling sick!

So thats where I am at right now, sometimes I am not ok and that it okay. I am doing better, I had my last appointment with my psychologist last week and I feel ready to spread my wings, despite the setbacks i've had over the weekend. Life deals you out cards and you have to play with the ones you are dealt. The future is uncertain and the end is always near. I want to be the person who lives in the now, I am getting better at it. 

Love Carrie xo

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Breakthroughs and Setbacks

Hey world! So the last couple of time I posted on here things didn't seem to be going so great for me mental health wise. That is just how it goes sometimes, fluctuating highs and lows which makes me feel like i'm on some kind of roller coaster of emotions and it's frustrating but that is the nature of the beast. However at my last appointment with my Clinical Psychologist I feel like I had a little bit of a breakthrough in understanding how my brain is working at the moment. We spent the session talking about thoughts and challenging the thoughts I have when I'm feeling low. Recognising whether the thought is fact or a distortion (guess what? They are almost always distortions) and then reframing those distorted thoughts into something more real and factual. 

I think the one that hit me the most is when we were talking about a particular recurring thought relating to trust.
I can never trust anyone
Obvious distortion right? We reframed it.
There are people in my life already whom I can trust. New people who come into my life need to earn that trust through their actions.
Much better now hey? This led into a discussion about boundaries. Something I discovered I struggle with. We used an onion analogy because although parfait is delicious and also has layers, i'm no parfait. Ha! Anyway, I'm in the middle ring, the next ring out is my family and best friends, then the next layer is extended family and friends, followed by a layer of acquaintances, workmates then on the last layer is new people. New people start outside the onion and need to work their way in through all those other layers before they can get to that inner circle and they don't get inner circle privileges of love and trust till they get there. Most importantly, not everyone needs to be in that circle. Some people just sit comfortably on those outer layers because thats where they fit in my life and that is fine. 

These two concepts, the reframing of thoughts and the boundary onion just resonate with me so well, they've already started making a huge difference and I think they will continue to do so into the future. 

Whats the verdict on how I'm feeling now? Mentally, much better so far and I'm feeling more positive  going forwards about how I can tackle the challenges that face me. It's a nice place to be in, I know that life will continue to be an adventure and it will have it's ups and downs but mentally and emotionally I think the roller coaster is going to stop having such sudden dips and climbs for no reason. I'm feeling good. 

Love love Carrie xoxo

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Some nights

I hate nights. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like this. It just takes one little trigger thought and that grows and then another ones comes and joins in then I push them away and something else takes it's place until I'm laying here crying out of frustration because all I want is to switch off and be able to go to sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my feelings. I think I have too many emotions, or I feel too deeply. It's hard to feel everything right down to your core, it make loneliness unbearable and sadness a nightmare and I can't just fill my bed with another body with no feelings attached because that just makes it all worse. I'm tired. I'm tired.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Undervalued and Unappreciated

Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, for some people it just isn't good enough. The feeling of being undervalued and unappreciated is awful especially when you try so hard to be the best you can be. There are times when I have felt that there is nothing left I can do but drop to my knees and cut open my veins and bleed. 

"Is this what you want? Me to sit here and bleed for you? Will you notice the work I do know? Shall I pull out my lungs? Maybe rip out my heart? Will that prove to you that I am giving you all that I can?"

I'm not going to bleed for anyone. Nor will out give up my vital organs. I am a good person. I work hard. I do my best and my best is pretty great. If I'm not good enough for you then that's your fucking problem. I'll go find someone who values and appreciates me. I live for me. 

Carrie xo

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Dance Floor Creepers

Ladies and Gentlemen...we need to talk...

So there you are, with your friends on the dance floor, having a great time and then suddenly you feel a hand on your waist... hang on...that's not your friend... then another hand on your waist, then as you keep dancing those hands start touching your legs, they slide under your shirt and touch your skin and then start to tug a little on your shorts or maybe even get up under your dress. You're uncomfortable, you don't know who it is, some random creeper on the dance floor who thinks it's ok to feel you up.

STOP. This is not okay, and you need to tell them. So before it gets to that point where you are uncomfortable, turn around and tell them to stop fucking touching you. You don't have to be worried about hurting their feelings; did they consider your feelings when they started touching you up? I don't think so. You can be polite about it if you want "no thanks" but be firm, and stick to your guns. You don't have to put up with that shit and it doesn't matter whether you are male or female or anything between, it's not cool to put your hands on someone without their permission and it's not a good idea to let it happen to you. Say something and they will stop, probably be mighty embarrassed and most importantly they will go away, and if they don't go away, get your friends on board and if necessary, call security on that creep. 

This happened to me twice this weekend, one old drunk dickhead at The Prince and some kid who looked about 15 at Peking Duck, told them both "don't touch me" and they both looked shocked at being called out on their bullshit and then disappeared. It's not hard. I saw so many people last night just letting it happen, or saying "I don't want to be mean". Guys come on! You're not a piece of meat you're a person and you get to control who puts their hands on your body.

Just say no. Please.

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Who Are You?

Well? Can you answer that? Do you know who you are? What makes you who you are? Are you the same person your Mum thinks you are? Or your best friend? What about a workmate? How do we define ourselves? The way we dress, what we wear, how we look? Or is our appearance a reflection of how we feel about ourselves on the inside, or do we present ourselves a certain way to express our identity to other people? 

Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know what makes me who I am. I can't describe myself if someone asked me to. Then sometimes someone will make an assumption about me or tell me an opinion they have of me that makes me question who I am. Do I forge my own identity or is it made up of the various opinions of the people around me? Do you know how much it sucks to have all these thoughts running through your head? To feel hollow and lost and fake with no clear identity and not know how to fix it? 

How do you do it? Can you describe yourself? What makes you who you are? Or is it less of a thing and more of a feeling?

Leave it in the comments

Love Carrie xo

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Feeling.....good?

I posted on facebook yesterday that I woke up in an exceptionally good mood and it has lasted! I got myself dressed up last night and went out for what felt like the first time in eternity. I did the Rediscover Bunbury street art walking tour and stayed on at the after party at Bunbury Regional Art Gallery. It was such a good night, I went in with my sister Lee and hung out afterwards with Emily who I had been neglecting lately (like most of my friends) and it was just a great night! I was happy, I had a few drinks and many laughs and then I woke up this morning still feeling good great...despite a 'not enough sleep' hangover! 

I'm not cured obviously but it feels good to be feeling good! I've said this before but it needs to be said again. Thank you. Thank you so much for all your love and support. When I'm feeling down and I'm having trouble pulling myself out I think of all the love you guys have sent me and it really helps. Never underestimate the power that a kind word has. Even when you don't understand what someone is going through, even if they don't want to talk about it, just knowing you have their back can be enough. We're all in this together, let's look after each other.

Big love and so many hugs Carrie xoxo xxxx

Friday, 16 January 2015

Noise

The background noise in my head this morning was bad. usually the morning are pretty good and night time is where it all starts but this morning there must have been some sort of trigger that started my mind going. I'm not sure what started it but suddenly my brain had me remembering the first time I was cheated on in my last relationship. Remembering the words on that text message he sent her about us, "my current relationship won't last", the way I felt when I read those words. Then the judgement 
"you are stupid you should have ended it then"
"you did this to yourself you are weak"
"you must be pathetic to hold on when he clearly never wanted you"
After that my brain decided to go back to the first time I was ever cheated on and the same judgements. Feelings of uselessness and worthlessness overwhelm me and I begin to tear up. The only thing that holds them back is trying to drown out those thoughts with other louder ones, I started writing this post in my head as I drove into work to stop me from dwelling on the bad thoughts. I got myself out if it. 

This is the worst part of my depression. Once it starts it doesn't stop by itself, it keeps going, it gets worse, it gets louder until I start crying. Sometimes it will start making me imagine people I love dying and makes me watch their funeral. Other times it'll make me die and watch the people I love try deal with that. I have to distract myself, think of other things, tell myself I'm not useless and not worthless. I even had to write myself a list to remind me because the truth lies and I need to remember that. I need to remember that I am loved and needed and appreciated. I'm not a piece of shit. 

My list of reminders
Carrie xo

Sunday, 11 January 2015

If you know someone with depression and struggle to understand it. Please watch this.




My friend Adrienne shared this video with me a few weeks back and I have been meaning to post it for a while. Andrew has a lovely way of putting into words what it can feel like to have depression and if you know someone who is struggling I feel like this video can help you understand what it is like. It's a long video but it's fantastic. At least watch the first 11 minutes. 

I have been doing a lot better. I had a few bad nights around Christmas and New Years but then I started writing in my new journal and it has really helped! It let's me get all my feelings out on paper instead of keeping them bottled up. I am still having trouble sleeping and I find myself staying up really late...hoping to get texts from an ex lover saying they've changed their minds perhaps? I don't know, the two weeks I actually got to the anger stage of the break up and now that the old house is sorted out I really need to suck it up, accept it's done and move on with life. 

My 2015 goals list is going well, I've been working on Simone's blanket and went to my first Hot Yoga class, i almost died a few times but it was good! I'll definitely keep it up as it will be great for my flexibility and also help me breathe properly during exercise is general. 

So that's my update for now.

Hope your 2015 is off to a positive start. You only get out what you put in. Go for it.

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

All I Want

All I want is someone to talk shit with, to reply to my texts, who says nice things to me and likes my cooking. Someone to come on adventures with me and watch lightning storms. To cuddle with on the couch and watch movies and eat Calippos in the sunshine. In return I'll give you all my love and cook you delicious meals, support you in all your endeavours and kiss you in the rain. 
Come with me