Sunday, 18 January 2015

Feeling.....good?

I posted on facebook yesterday that I woke up in an exceptionally good mood and it has lasted! I got myself dressed up last night and went out for what felt like the first time in eternity. I did the Rediscover Bunbury street art walking tour and stayed on at the after party at Bunbury Regional Art Gallery. It was such a good night, I went in with my sister Lee and hung out afterwards with Emily who I had been neglecting lately (like most of my friends) and it was just a great night! I was happy, I had a few drinks and many laughs and then I woke up this morning still feeling good great...despite a 'not enough sleep' hangover! 

I'm not cured obviously but it feels good to be feeling good! I've said this before but it needs to be said again. Thank you. Thank you so much for all your love and support. When I'm feeling down and I'm having trouble pulling myself out I think of all the love you guys have sent me and it really helps. Never underestimate the power that a kind word has. Even when you don't understand what someone is going through, even if they don't want to talk about it, just knowing you have their back can be enough. We're all in this together, let's look after each other.

Big love and so many hugs Carrie xoxo xxxx

Friday, 16 January 2015

Noise

The background noise in my head this morning was bad. usually the morning are pretty good and night time is where it all starts but this morning there must have been some sort of trigger that started my mind going. I'm not sure what started it but suddenly my brain had me remembering the first time I was cheated on in my last relationship. Remembering the words on that text message he sent her about us, "my current relationship won't last", the way I felt when I read those words. Then the judgement 
"you are stupid you should have ended it then"
"you did this to yourself you are weak"
"you must be pathetic to hold on when he clearly never wanted you"
After that my brain decided to go back to the first time I was ever cheated on and the same judgements. Feelings of uselessness and worthlessness overwhelm me and I begin to tear up. The only thing that holds them back is trying to drown out those thoughts with other louder ones, I started writing this post in my head as I drove into work to stop me from dwelling on the bad thoughts. I got myself out if it. 

This is the worst part of my depression. Once it starts it doesn't stop by itself, it keeps going, it gets worse, it gets louder until I start crying. Sometimes it will start making me imagine people I love dying and makes me watch their funeral. Other times it'll make me die and watch the people I love try deal with that. I have to distract myself, think of other things, tell myself I'm not useless and not worthless. I even had to write myself a list to remind me because the truth lies and I need to remember that. I need to remember that I am loved and needed and appreciated. I'm not a piece of shit. 

My list of reminders
Carrie xo

Sunday, 11 January 2015

If you know someone with depression and struggle to understand it. Please watch this.




My friend Adrienne shared this video with me a few weeks back and I have been meaning to post it for a while. Andrew has a lovely way of putting into words what it can feel like to have depression and if you know someone who is struggling I feel like this video can help you understand what it is like. It's a long video but it's fantastic. At least watch the first 11 minutes. 

I have been doing a lot better. I had a few bad nights around Christmas and New Years but then I started writing in my new journal and it has really helped! It let's me get all my feelings out on paper instead of keeping them bottled up. I am still having trouble sleeping and I find myself staying up really late...hoping to get texts from an ex lover saying they've changed their minds perhaps? I don't know, the two weeks I actually got to the anger stage of the break up and now that the old house is sorted out I really need to suck it up, accept it's done and move on with life. 

My 2015 goals list is going well, I've been working on Simone's blanket and went to my first Hot Yoga class, i almost died a few times but it was good! I'll definitely keep it up as it will be great for my flexibility and also help me breathe properly during exercise is general. 

So that's my update for now.

Hope your 2015 is off to a positive start. You only get out what you put in. Go for it.

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

All I Want

All I want is someone to talk shit with, to reply to my texts, who says nice things to me and likes my cooking. Someone to come on adventures with me and watch lightning storms. To cuddle with on the couch and watch movies and eat Calippos in the sunshine. In return I'll give you all my love and cook you delicious meals, support you in all your endeavours and kiss you in the rain. 
Come with me