Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Some nights

I hate nights. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like this. It just takes one little trigger thought and that grows and then another ones comes and joins in then I push them away and something else takes it's place until I'm laying here crying out of frustration because all I want is to switch off and be able to go to sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my feelings. I think I have too many emotions, or I feel too deeply. It's hard to feel everything right down to your core, it make loneliness unbearable and sadness a nightmare and I can't just fill my bed with another body with no feelings attached because that just makes it all worse. I'm tired. I'm tired.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Undervalued and Unappreciated

Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, for some people it just isn't good enough. The feeling of being undervalued and unappreciated is awful especially when you try so hard to be the best you can be. There are times when I have felt that there is nothing left I can do but drop to my knees and cut open my veins and bleed. 

"Is this what you want? Me to sit here and bleed for you? Will you notice the work I do know? Shall I pull out my lungs? Maybe rip out my heart? Will that prove to you that I am giving you all that I can?"

I'm not going to bleed for anyone. Nor will out give up my vital organs. I am a good person. I work hard. I do my best and my best is pretty great. If I'm not good enough for you then that's your fucking problem. I'll go find someone who values and appreciates me. I live for me. 

Carrie xo

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Dance Floor Creepers

Ladies and Gentlemen...we need to talk...

So there you are, with your friends on the dance floor, having a great time and then suddenly you feel a hand on your waist... hang on...that's not your friend... then another hand on your waist, then as you keep dancing those hands start touching your legs, they slide under your shirt and touch your skin and then start to tug a little on your shorts or maybe even get up under your dress. You're uncomfortable, you don't know who it is, some random creeper on the dance floor who thinks it's ok to feel you up.

STOP. This is not okay, and you need to tell them. So before it gets to that point where you are uncomfortable, turn around and tell them to stop fucking touching you. You don't have to be worried about hurting their feelings; did they consider your feelings when they started touching you up? I don't think so. You can be polite about it if you want "no thanks" but be firm, and stick to your guns. You don't have to put up with that shit and it doesn't matter whether you are male or female or anything between, it's not cool to put your hands on someone without their permission and it's not a good idea to let it happen to you. Say something and they will stop, probably be mighty embarrassed and most importantly they will go away, and if they don't go away, get your friends on board and if necessary, call security on that creep. 

This happened to me twice this weekend, one old drunk dickhead at The Prince and some kid who looked about 15 at Peking Duck, told them both "don't touch me" and they both looked shocked at being called out on their bullshit and then disappeared. It's not hard. I saw so many people last night just letting it happen, or saying "I don't want to be mean". Guys come on! You're not a piece of meat you're a person and you get to control who puts their hands on your body.

Just say no. Please.

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Who Are You?

Well? Can you answer that? Do you know who you are? What makes you who you are? Are you the same person your Mum thinks you are? Or your best friend? What about a workmate? How do we define ourselves? The way we dress, what we wear, how we look? Or is our appearance a reflection of how we feel about ourselves on the inside, or do we present ourselves a certain way to express our identity to other people? 

Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know what makes me who I am. I can't describe myself if someone asked me to. Then sometimes someone will make an assumption about me or tell me an opinion they have of me that makes me question who I am. Do I forge my own identity or is it made up of the various opinions of the people around me? Do you know how much it sucks to have all these thoughts running through your head? To feel hollow and lost and fake with no clear identity and not know how to fix it? 

How do you do it? Can you describe yourself? What makes you who you are? Or is it less of a thing and more of a feeling?

Leave it in the comments

Love Carrie xo