Thursday, 28 May 2015

Forgiveness

Recently someone asked me for forgiveness and I found that as much as I really wanted to give it to him, I couldn't. It got me thinking about forgiveness and what it really means to me. Like I said, I really wanted to be able to give this person forgiveness. I didn't want to hold on to that hurt and resentment and sadness but I felt that granting forgiveness would mean that I was okay with what happened, and i'm not okay with it yet. Is that what forgiveness is though? Does it mean you are telling that person their actions were okay? Is it a way of accepting an apology without absolving that person of what they did? Can you forgive but not forget or do those things have to go hand in hand?

The dictionary defines 'forgive' as a verb that means 'stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw or mistake'. I took to Facebook to ask my friends what forgiveness mean to them. Whenever I am struggling with thoughts like this I find it really helps to listen to other people perspectives, sometimes a different point of view is exactly what you need! 

Almost everyone said something along the lines of forgiveness meaning letting go of hurt, of anger, of resentment. A few people mentioned that forgiveness comes when they other person is sincerely sorry. Others said that forgiveness comes with time and it can't be forced it just happens.

One particular comment I loved was
Forgiveness is making the decision that you'll no longer be controlled by someone's hurtful actions. It truly has nothing to do with the other person. It's about freedom for you.
Everyones comments were helpful and really gave me more to think about. I don't think i'm completely clear on my feelings yet but this is what i've got so far.

Forgiveness is a process, it is about letting go of those bad feelings that someone else's actions have given you. It's about taking the control back from them and saying "yes you did this to me and it was shitty and it's not okay but i'm no longer angry or upset or resentful about it". I think it does take time, time to get over that hurt and to grow. I think someone being sorry is somewhat irrelevant, I think you can choose to forgive someone who isn't sorry and I think you can also feel like you can't forgive someone who is sincerely sorry. Forgiveness is about you and you decide when you are ready to give it. 

It's okay to feel sad, to feel a little resentful, to feel hurt. We can't be puppies, flowers and rainbows all of the time, emotions are important, the trouble starts when those emotions start eating away at you and negatively impact your day to day functioning or your relationships with the people around you. 

I feel a little better about my decision to not forgive, I'm just not ready yet as much as I wish I was and as far as I have come, I am still hurting and it's going to take me a little longer before I can let go of that for good. I'm getting closer and I think this bit of self realisation I have achieved today is helping to put me closer to forgiveness. 

Do you have an opinion on forgiveness? Do you find it hard or easy? What is something you find is unforgivable? 

Love Carrie xoxo 

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Officially Off Meds!

Well today is day two that I have been officially off my medication! I had almost put off doing it as I'm currently experiencing a little bit of an issue with a certain ex-boyfriend trying to get back into my life but I decided that there will always be some sort of challenge and what better way to test my resilience and adaptability than by going in head first? So far I haven't really noticed any particular change in my mood or ability to shut out the background noise of my brain. I think last time when I dropped from 10mg to 5mg I was fine for a day or two, a bit uneasy for a few days and then okay again after that so I am expecting a similar type of pattern. 

As I mentioned in my last post I did end up discussing my reduction in medication with my doctor and she was happy with the way I have been going and told me I was fine to continue as I planned. I have half a blister pack of Lexapro left over so if for some reason I react badly to coming off I will ease myself back on with 2.5mg. I think I will be fine though, I have been doing so well and I know I have the skills to get through whatever life throws at me without going off the edge again. 

I feel so good that I am in the zone where I feel like I can do this and be okay. 

I will keep you posted

Carrie xoxo 


Monday, 4 May 2015

Going Off Meds

I had a pretty rough weekend. I keep a lot of things to myself, or at the very least downgrade how I feel about things to people. This past weekend a lot of little things that had been bothering me over the last few weeks and months built up and up till they boiled over and hit me like an avalanche. I've been sick for months, I want to sell my old house, I'm lonely, I  have a millions bills to pay and a million things to save for, work is being shit etc etc. So it all got on top of me and I had a little meltdown and cried and for a little while decided...
"fuck it i'm going to stop taking my meds because life is shit anyway so who cares i'll always be sad"
So dramatic.

Anyway, I calmed down and got over it and I am fine today and thats important because there is a difference between depression sadness and just being upset about something. I think that because I have depression I feel like I can't be sad and that every time I am sad it's because of this brain thing and it's not. People get upset sometimes and that's okay and every now and then you have to have a cry. It's not a failure. It's life. Don't ever forget that.

Funnily enough...I actually am going off my meds. I have been weaning myself off since Easter. I've dropped down half a dose from 10mg of Lexapro to 5mg. It has been going well. I am going to stick with this dose for a little. It was a little bit rough for about the first week and a half but I've been feeling better with it over the last couple of weeks. The most obvious side effect which I have noticed is my dreams. I am not sure if I am dreaming more vividly or if my dream recall is just better but I have been having and remembering the craziest dreams and it's so good. I haven't noticed many more but I have put my friends on watch to look out to see if my mood drops or anything else happens as they may be better at picking up on things than me. 

I am seeing my doctor next week, for other health reasons but also to talk about my meds reduction and make sure I am doing the right things. I am also taking a herbal supplement that apparently helps so I am going to bring her that to see what she says too. I am really hoping that I can also get some answers to the health issues that have been plaguing me lately too. I am sick of feeling sick!

So thats where I am at right now, sometimes I am not ok and that it okay. I am doing better, I had my last appointment with my psychologist last week and I feel ready to spread my wings, despite the setbacks i've had over the weekend. Life deals you out cards and you have to play with the ones you are dealt. The future is uncertain and the end is always near. I want to be the person who lives in the now, I am getting better at it. 

Love Carrie xo