Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Exciting News!

I left you guys hanging for longer than I intended with this news but I've been mega busy and have only just had time to sit down and write this post. I am super excited to share the news with you that I am getting trained up to instruct at my pole studio Polercise WA! Yahoo!! Some of you may have known that I have been training to instruct our Aerial Yoga classes that are starting up in the next few months but a week or so ago Tracey asked me if I'd like to come on and train to instruct in all classes and of course I said yes! I am so excited to be given such an awesome opportunity to train and work with a bunch of women who are so inspiring, so encouraging, supportive and beautiful. I can only hope that I can live up to the high standard that they have all set. 

I wrote about Polercise way back in 2010 when I first started. At the time I wrote that the discussion I had with Tracey that led to me joining up felt like it was just meant to happen. Five years later I couldn't agree with that statement more. That one conversation was the start of a love affair that has endured through all the ups, downs, twists and turns in my life. I have met amazing people, made great friends, have never laughed so much in my life and I have got stronger and more confident than I ever thought possible both in body and mind. If you had told me back then that in five years I'd not just be doing pole, but hoops and silks and learning to instruct.. I don't think I'd have believed you!. 

I have never been the most athletic person. I didn't do dancing when I was little like my sisters. I was not into sport at school (AT ALL). I've never been flexible or overly strong. I was always pretty uncoordinated. Polercise was a life changer for me. I don't like going to the gym, I find it next level boring. I'm not much of a runner despite trying a few times to give it a go. Aerials is the one sport that I love. It doesn't feel like exercise even though it definitely is and anyone can do it. Seriously, anyone can do it. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are, male, female, old or young. It's for everyone! We all have different strengths and weaknesses. You might kill it on one move and struggle with another one for months. It's challenging and addictive and so much fun. 

What I love the absolute most is the culture of the studio. It is easy to think that a sport where you often have to be barely dressed could be full of intimidating, judgemental, bitchy women. Easy to feel like you could only go if you are tall and skinny and 'perfect'. Nope. No. Not at all. I have never ever had a class that was anything less than incredibly supportive. Tracey and her team of instructors have created an atmosphere of comfort and acceptance and love. We're like a bunch or cheerleaders, always shouting our support for each other. Congratulating each other when we nail a move, taking photos so we can show our friends and family what we're up to. It's that positive encouraging family vibe that I love.

So that's my big news! I can't wait to get started and I am so happy and grateful to Tracey for giving me a chance! I hope I can rock it!

Love Carrie xoxo xxxx

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Little Lonely

I'm doing so much better than last time I wrote. I think I'm pretty much over the come down, the withdrawals and back to normal now, whatever 'normal' is I guess! So now it's really just up to me to use the tools I learnt in therapy to stop myself from getting stuck in that downward spiral when bad thoughts come to play in my head, and to make sure the noise doesn't get so loud that it overpowers me again. I've said before that I feel confident about it and i really do.

I think what is important is to realise that everyone has bad days and negative thoughts. There is nothing wrong with being sad or angry. It's when those feelings take over your life that there is a problem. I would argue that always trying to be happy and ignoring sadness and negative emotions is bad for you. Sometimes you need a cry, sometimes you need to be angry. Just keep it in check and look after yourself. I think we are taught too much nowadays that things should be kittens and rainbows and we should all love each other and everyone should be friendly. That's not a realistic world view. There will always be things that come up that bring you down, that's ok, own it, deal with it, learn from it, move on. You are not going to get on with everyone you meet, some people are just arseholes, other people you just genuinely may have nothing in common with. It's ok to not get on with everyone. Just don't be a dick about it.

Tonight I'm feeling super lonely. I guess it's to be expected, for the last 6 and a half years I have been in and out of relationships almost the entire time. Being alone is hard to get used to but it's what I want right now. Loneliness is a hard beast to tame. It makes me want to make bad life choices like text boys I know are bad for me. Play the 'what if' game in my head. Wonder if i'm going to be alone forever and ever. So I have to fight that. Instead I'm writing this post, the i'm going to have a ridiculously hot shower then curl up in bed with a good book and lose myself in imaginary worlds till I fall asleep. Sometimes fighting the beast is just a matter of distraction and waiting it out.

How do you fight the loneliness? Leave you tips and tricks in the comments.

Love and hugs Carrie xoxo

Wednesday, 3 June 2015


Wednesdays generally are not a great day for me, I can tell because it's the day I usually end up needing to write something down in my journal. I mentioned in my last post that one side effect I have noticed since coming off my medication is irritability and today it's bad. Real bad. I am trying really hard to keep it under control and doing that generally means that I try to keep quiet and avoid conversation. It's really awful and I feel like a huge arsehole. I'm in struggle town a little bit and it makes me think. Is this what I was like before? Before I asked for help. Was I always this irritable? Was I always just skimming the edge? Is that why I was always so exhausted? Is that why things didn't work out with my ex? Was I aware it was happening back then? 

So many questions. So little answers. However it doesn't really matter does it? That was then and pondering on it doesn't really do a lot to change the now. I juts have to roll with it and make sure I stay alert enough to get help if I feel myself falling off of that ledge. 

Struggle town

Love Carrie xoxo 

Monday, 1 June 2015

Off Meds - Progress Report

Well it has been around 6 days since I came off my antidepressant medication completely and I though some of you might be interested in a progress report of any change I have noticed. I have seen a few things pop up and I don't know if they are definitely a result of coming off meds, some may be placebo reactions, others might just be a big coincidence in any case...here they are...
  1. Irritability - So generally my moods have been fine but a couple of short periods of being really fucking irritable for no reason. I just hate everyone and even though nobody is doing anything wrong the sound of their voices make me want to punch them. Luckily it only lasts a short period of time and I am self aware enough to realise what is going on so I can stop myself from actually lashing out at anyone! I have been a little irritable tonight and just sent apology texts to my parents for being such a grumpy bitch at dinner. I am very lucky to have understanding and supportive friends and family. I am however VERY mindful not to use this as a crutch "sorry i'm such an arsehole i'm coming off meds" is not an excuse to be a jerk to everyone around you 24/7.
  2. Increased Libido - Family members feel free to skip this section! It's not a huge secret that antidepressants can mess with your sex drive but I don't think I ever really noticed a decrease in my libido but holy shit I have noticed the increase. An increase which is rather frustrating considering I have made the decision to live the single life for the foreseeable future. Ugh.
  3. Dreams - I have mentioned dreams before and I am still not sure if it's my recall that is better or if I am actually just having more vivid dreams or perhaps a little of both but this is one side effect that I love. I love to dream, I often have my head in the clouds during the day and like to get lost in my imagination so getting my dreams back has been so awesome, even if the dreams I'm having have been super weird and some of them a little prophetic! 
They are the three I have noticed the most so far, I have also had a lot less headaches and haven't taken painkillers in a while but I think that is due more to my change in diet than the medication. One side effect that people often notice is a change in weight, I believe a gain in weight when starting medication and a loss in weight when coming off. I don't think I noticed an increase when I went on, when I started on Lexapro my motivation to do anything was at about 0% so I had already put on weight. Since the start of this year I have been working hard to get back my healthy strong body I used to have, it's too early to tell whether coming off the medication will help but in any case I would not be able to say for certain whether it was because of the meds or just because I have been training harder. 

I'm still in a really good place, I'm happy to say that the negative thought patterns that used to plague me have not come back nor have the suicidal thoughts or crushing self doubt. I'm happy with the path I'm on and so glad I took that step, almost a year ago now, of asking for help. I'm so glad I spoke to my doctor, went on meds, did two rounds of psychological therapy. Without all that, I have no idea where I would be now, probably not writing this post that's for sure.

Don't be scared to ask for help you guys, it can get better for you.

Big love Carrie xoxo