Monday, 10 August 2015

Rainbows and Déjà Vu

I love rainbows which should be quite apparent to you given the name of this blog, this is picture I took of now at work today it's very faint. Rainbows have a special place in my heart, they always make me feel so good inside when I see them. Some people look up at the stars and get some sort of perspective on their place in the world but for me it's rainbows. Just the right amount of water and light and the perfect angle and it appears. It's beautiful. I also feel like for me I'll always notice a rainbow in times I need direction, for me a rainbow is a sign that I'm on the right path and that things are going as they should. I don't have very many spiritual things that I believe in or go by but this is one of them, I feel the same way about déjà vu. I take it as a message that things are going the way they are intended. Today when I took this photo of this rainbow I had the strongest sensation of déjà vu. So intense I had to stop what I was doing until it went away. It is a strange feeling, not overly pleasant or unpleasant. 

So for me this is a sign that the decisions i've made recently have been the right ones and to trust in myself. Maybe there will be more rainbows in my future

Carrie xoxo xxxx

One Week Later

What a difference a week makes. Last week didn't end so great for me and it's funny I'm sitting here in the same place at the same time I wrote my last post and my mood is totally different. Sure i'm definitely not all peaches and honey but I'm feeling far less sorry for myself at least. Once again I find myself single and that sucks, girl can't hold down a boyfriend for shit, but I'm not beating myself up this time, not obsessing over what I did wrong. It just didn't go my way and that's that. Same story as always. 

I've been cooking up a storm though! Right now, it's 9pm and I'm baking banana bread...which I just realised takes an hour to finish. I made Vietnamese Rice Paper Rolls earlier today, Green Bean and Prawn Salad yesterday and the best Minestrone I've ever made during the week last week. There is not a lot that is more healing to me than cooking delicious food. Plans for this week include Cannelloni and some kind of biscuits. 

I found out this week that I have Asthma which is a way because at least I now know what's wrong with me and can fix it. I'm on a preventer now so I'm not sucking back ventilate every hour and I can sleep through the night without having a coughing fit and feeling like I'm going to die. I'm hoping it'll just be a seasonal thing that will go away once the weather warms up. Which I can't wait for because fuck this cold weather! I hate having to dress in layers and have a thousand blankets on my bed..not to mention my electricity bill has doubled... I don't do well in cold weather 

So that's life, its a roller-coaster of ups and downs and sometimes it's hard but if there were no challenges life would be boring right? Hmmm now I feel like peaches and honey..

Have a great day!

Carrie xo

Sunday, 2 August 2015

Week Off

I've just had the week off work and it was supposed to be a good thing, to help me recharge, to get shit done, but here I am on Sunday night, the last day of my break before I go back to work and I'm sitting on my couch in tears. I've had a shitty week, i've been so sick that I haven't been able to achieve any of the things I wanted to achieve. I tried to go for a walk this morning and almost died because I couldn't breathe, my car has been giving me trouble and needs a full on service which will once again put me in the red because I don't make enough money to be able to afford this kind of thing at the drop of a hat. People who say they love me aren't acting like it at all and make me feel unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. I feel like an insignificant piece of shit if you want me to be really honest. I don't want to talk to my friends about it because friends tell me that maybe I should go back and talk to my psychologist, and I love me friends dearly for trying to help I really do; but this isn't happening inside my head. These things are real, they are really happening to me. I feel like the universe is just waiting for me to quit. Seeing how much shit I'll take till I break. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do here. I don't know what the lesson is. I just know that I hurt. I hurt so much and I hate it.

But I am safe, that is never something you need to worry about, because I would rather hurt than be the one to hurt any of you