Monday, 21 December 2015

Borrowed Time

Every time I try to sit down and write I have this page open with two sentences and then I psych myself out and decide to stop or procrastinate till my computer dies (currently sitting at 4% battery). I'm going to try smash this out. No filtering just feelings.

I've been in a bad place the last few weeks...months even. To the point where i've been thinking maybe I need to go back on medication. I manage to talk myself down or I have a few good days and decide everything is alright. I always struggle more around my birthday and Christmas for reasons that I really don't want to get into. This year I had a pretty awesome birthday, I turned 30 and I guess I feel like it was an accomplishment. Making it to 30 when some days I feel like I won't make it till the end of the day. Then the week after I was a ball of stress and anxiety. I feel almost like i'm living on borrowed time. Like when you are playing Super Mario and the time is running low and the music speeds up and you just run as fast as you can to the finish line so you can make it there before the time runs out. Thats how I feel. I also feel like I need to prove myself to everyone, like people have these expectations of me and i feel like I am really not living up to them at the moment. Then I feel shit about it because I hate feeling like a disappointment you know.

Shits hard.

The truth lies.

Love Caz xoxo