Sunday, 31 January 2016

2015 - The Year Of The Lone Wolf

2015 the year of face decorations and green hair
It's the last day of January and I still haven't written my 2015 wrap up . I have tried a million times already but I have major writers block. I can't get the words to flow, can't get them to sound like I want them to. So this is my last attempt. 

Last year was rough. It was the most alone I have ever been and ever felt in my life. This is not me lamenting about being single. I dated last year. It's not about me saying I have no friends and no support. I have support. I have a great family. However in spite of that I felt like last year I faced the world all alone. It was hard. I felt like and still feel like there is this overwhelming pressure on me. Like I haven't achieved anything worthwhile. It's a constant feeling. I can never relax. I'm a constant ball of stress. 

About now is where you'd expect me to say that all this going it alone helped me to grow and realise what I want out of life. How I'm such a different person than I was at the start of the year. I'm such a strong independent woman. Nope. The past year didn't really teach me anything that I didn't already know about myself. I nailed the last nail in my dating coffin then built up high, impenetrable walls around me. I failed to return 80% of phone calls and text messages sent to me. I started projects and didn't finish them. I tried and tried to find motivation and lust for life. I couldn't find it.

The last third of 2015 was probably the worst for me mentally. I struggled so hard and as much as this will upset some people when they read it, I have to say it. There were a few times when I didn't think I would reach my 30th birthday. So much so that for a good two weeks after my birthday I felt on edge, like I was living on borrowed time. I guess I was exhausted and the end of the year seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel so the struggle to reach it was real. 

New year, same person with the same struggles. I don't really know what's going to happen and that's fine. I know that I'm heading to Europe soon and 8 weeks on another continent where nobody knows my name is going to feel like heaven. For now I am living for that break and I am making a vow. I am going to go and have an amazing time. Then I'm going to come home and walk in my front door, give Bob and Roxy a big cuddle then I am going to sit down and make big life decisions, and I'm going to be selfish and make decisions that are for me and me alone. No more sacrificing my happiness for the sake of other people. No more bullshit. 

This lone wolf is big and bad and I'm not going to waste any more time. 

xo 

(this took me four hours to write - probably 45 minutes of actual typing and the rest procrastinating because this was really hard to write. I swear if a single person reads this and gets offended, kindly punch yourself in the face so I don't have to do it. It's not about you.) 

Family sans Ash

The children

Silks

Pole

Hoops

Hung out with Rabbit

A few of the people who actually bothered to show up to my birthday drinks

Driving with Ash

Wore heaps of booty shorts

Mum got drunk of her birthday

Last day at headspace with Jo

With Ainslie

and with Simone

being an actor! At BREC's showing of The Confidence Man

Made this subtle desk ornament for Jo

Got some tattoos

Enjoyed Halloween

Showcase with the Aerial Family

with Ash at the studio

Roxy in the water

Bob looking in charge

Lunch dates with my Dad

Crying at the most beautiful wedding of two people who could not be more perfect for each other <3 

Tomato sauce days with these two Nonnas

More tattoos

The birth of this little ray of starlight

Getting drunk with the parents

Getting foxy

Showing off my butt some more

Being a wild animal with Mumsy

Rabbit's birthday at the Zoo

Made this dream catcher for my bed

Where the obsession with face decorations began with my favourite lady

Made some castles with this babe

Met this cute chick

Had the best trip to the zoo and met the most chilled meerkats and some hungover koalas

Made this. If you don't love yourself how can you expect anyone else to love you? 

Can't get this bastard to rotate. Any single males over the age of 28 who get this reference feel free to call me ;)