Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Popping Pills

So I had my GP appointment yesterday. It went okay, I somehow got doctor names mixed up and made an appointment with the wrong doctor (my original GP has moved interstate) but the lady I saw was okay. She asked a few questions, recommended I also think about going back for more therapy and gave me a new script. Back on 10mg of Lexapro to see how I go. 

Once I arrived home I took my first dose. Within an hour or so I was feeling nauseous. Antidepressants take a few weeks to start working properly, quite a few weeks actually and the first couple of weeks can be rough while you adjust to them. Today I have been anxious as fuck. I've got the shakes, I can't stop moving. I'm skipping from job to job. I have the driest mouth on Earth. I have to keep myself busy. 

I really hate taking them. I'm sure that after a while I'll adjust but now because it's so fresh in my mind each time I take one I get that feeling of failure and realise that this is going to be life now. I know it's not a failure. I know I had to do this. i know admitting I need help was hard and I should be proud I did it but ugh right now I just feel shit about it.  

For now, I'm trying to channel all that nervous energy into my work and into writing more. trying not to think bad thoughts or think of people who upset me.

All I need is some more time

Caz xo

Monday, 15 February 2016

Lose the battle to win the war

It was Easter last year when I stopped taking my medication for my depression and anxiety. Things were going well for me, I was happy and was looking forwards, it felt like the right time. I consulted my doctor, I did it slowly and safely. It felt good to be off them, being on unit-depressants was always something that didn't sit well with me. I always felt like a pill shouldn't be the solution, that I should be able to be happy without needing to take medicine.

I went well for a while after coming off my meds, I though I was coping and that I would be okay. It didn't work out that way, I have been slipping. For a long while. I have been in denial about it. I blamed it on other things, made excuses. I am sure everyone who knows me in real life knows that I've been struggling for a long time. I've noticed some of my friends don't bother texting me anymore. I'm probably difficult to be around. I have no motivation to do anything, on weekends sometimes I can't even bring myself to leave my bedroom until 2pm in the afternoon. I feel like I am incapable of love, as much as I try. 

It took yet another meltdown last night and someone telling me quite abruptly that I need to get back on medication for me to stop lying to myself. I've know that I'm not dealing well with life but the idea of going back on medication felt like I had failed. However I figured that I am already miserable and hating life, I've already tried everything else so it's time to bite the bullet.

Tomorrow I'm going to my doctor and i'm going to go back on anti-depressants. I'm putting ego aside. I'm losing this battle in the hopes to eventually win the war. It's my last chance. I just want to feel better. I just have to get through tonight. 

Caz xox