Monday, 15 February 2016

Lose the battle to win the war

It was Easter last year when I stopped taking my medication for my depression and anxiety. Things were going well for me, I was happy and was looking forwards, it felt like the right time. I consulted my doctor, I did it slowly and safely. It felt good to be off them, being on unit-depressants was always something that didn't sit well with me. I always felt like a pill shouldn't be the solution, that I should be able to be happy without needing to take medicine.

I went well for a while after coming off my meds, I though I was coping and that I would be okay. It didn't work out that way, I have been slipping. For a long while. I have been in denial about it. I blamed it on other things, made excuses. I am sure everyone who knows me in real life knows that I've been struggling for a long time. I've noticed some of my friends don't bother texting me anymore. I'm probably difficult to be around. I have no motivation to do anything, on weekends sometimes I can't even bring myself to leave my bedroom until 2pm in the afternoon. I feel like I am incapable of love, as much as I try. 

It took yet another meltdown last night and someone telling me quite abruptly that I need to get back on medication for me to stop lying to myself. I've know that I'm not dealing well with life but the idea of going back on medication felt like I had failed. However I figured that I am already miserable and hating life, I've already tried everything else so it's time to bite the bullet.

Tomorrow I'm going to my doctor and i'm going to go back on anti-depressants. I'm putting ego aside. I'm losing this battle in the hopes to eventually win the war. It's my last chance. I just want to feel better. I just have to get through tonight. 

Caz xox