Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Fake Feelings

It's been just over a month since I started back on my medication and I am doing so much better. Since around December last year I had felt suicidal almost every day up gradually getting worse and worse until I finally went to the doctor and got back on medication. It is nice not to feel like that anymore. It's really nice. However I had a bit of a moment yesterday. A bit of a moment where that self doubt popped up and I had a bit of a freak out. I thought to myself...
I am feeling good and I am not crying and I don't want to die and that's awesome...but nothing has changed in my life so why don't I feel like that anymore?
 It really kind of bothered me, and then I started to think...
Well, if nothing has changed but I feel okay then it must be the medication so these feelings mustn't be real. This is all fake. 

I posted a little cry for help on facebook. The response blew me away to be honest. A friend called me immediately to talk about what was going on. A bunch of mates commented on the status, I got a stack of messages. It was one of the first times I've had a response like that and it meant to much to me. It made me feel like people actually care and it made me feel so much less alone. If you are reading this and you were one of those people who reached out thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my heart because sometimes all I need is to feel like I exist and you guys all made me feel real that day. I appreciate it so much. 

I went out for coffee after work with a girlfriend and had a really great talk. No beating around the bush, no patronising just an honest conversation about what is going on in my head and it really helped me to get myself back on track. She pointed out something important, right now what I am feeling isn't fake. What I was feeling back then...that was my illness. My depression was why I was crying every night and why I was suicidal. Now I am still sick but I'm taking my medicine, my serotonin supplements as another friend calls them.  

This is real. Feeling okay is real and it's good. I just have to get used to it. 

Carrie xoxo