Sunday, 13 November 2016

Lies

I am a liar and you all know it. 

I lie about it a lot. About love. I say I don't want it, say I don't need it but I'm just lying to you and to myself. The truth is. Love terrifies me. I have been burnt so many times that the idea of trying again causes me physical pain and illness. I'm not bitter I'm hurt. My heart isn't black it's wounded. I haven't just built up walls, I've built a fortress not just to keep others out but to keep my heart in because that sucker would fall for anything without asking my brain first and I need to protect myself. I don't trust people because so many times I've woken up in the morning to "hey i actually don't love you or want to be with you anymore". So I say that I am happy with just casual hook ups here and there but it's not true, they often make me feel worse. I say that I don't think I am destined to find the one and I actually completely believe that, and I've had semi made peace with it. It is a kind of self fulfilling prophecy where I believe it to be true therefore it will become true. 

So yes I am a liar but please let me live in this lie and don't come at me with ifs and buts and please don't try set me up with your friends. I can't. I won't. It hurts.